Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Anatomy of a Meltdown

I can't sleep.  Lately, nodding off hasn't been a problem, but no such luck tonight.  My mind is spinning.  Honestly, at this point, there should be a Measure of Comfort in the fact that I can tick off the steps toward an Insecure Meltdown of Epic Proportions.  Below you will find the Anatomy of Jennifer Nicole's Latest Implosion.  Enjoy.

1.) Calm Enough:  Trying to get sleepy, but having a difficult time shutting off.  I remind myself: This is just a moment in time.  You'll talk to him again...eventually.  Life is long.  Be patient, relax, and pray.  This too shall pass.  Then there is thinking, followed by obsessing, and finally repeating a few more cliches.  Rinse and repeat.  [Even breathing but mind whirling]

2.)Anxious:  Obsessing has now lead to Wild Assumption Making.  Let's use the little evidence at my disposal to draw the worst possible and most painful conclusion I can dream up.  Yeah! Hum...what if this isn't just a moment in time?  What if really he's sick to death of you?  What if you never get to talk to him again?  That would be sad.  I don't like that idea at all.  Now I'm not sure of anything. [Heart rate is increasing and palms are sweating]  

3.) Freaking Out: Now I believe my conclusions.  There is no question here.  All the evidence is there.  He definitely hates you which sucks because obviously you're just fucking obsessed with the topic of him.  How did this happen?  Why didn't you see this coming?  And how could you be so calm before when its so clear that things were worse than you thought.  Its like you just forgot to worry.  Who are you?  You make me sick.   I don't even know you.  [Upset.  Sleep is now an impossibility]

4.) Full Blown Meltdown: Compiling tons of less than reliable evidence is now combined with whatever awful idea pops in my head.  (For whatever reason, these tend to be sexual in nature.  I dunno.  I'm all messed up.)  Not only does he hate you but right now he's so happy you're not around that he's having a wild orgy with no less than ten gorgeous blonds.  And the connection with those women is a deep and spiritual one that leads to lasting intimacy.  Then they laugh at you because you're inadequate. [Self loathing sets in as does despair]

And there it is folks: Jennifer Nicole Roman's Crazy Ass Meltdown.  Wow.  Ain't that special?  At least the act of confession has made it easier to make another attempt at sleep.  See you in the morning Kids.

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