Saturday, March 31, 2012

April Fools: Soul Crushing Disappointments in History

Yours Truly is standing in the middle of the Price is Right, betting on her future, and hoping for a win. The Final Question: What is the cost of happiness?  My guess: 7 Dollars plus My Immortal Soul.  As I wait the tension is terrible.  Am I wrong?  Dammit.  What sort of question is that.  I'm always wrong.  Of course, I'm wrong!  Obviously, I bid too low.  I should have said 9 Dollar plus my Soul.  But wait, Bob Barker is saying something: "Jennifer Nicole, congratulations!  You've won the Lifetime Showcase Showdown! Beginning tomorrow morning, all your problems will disappear.  Prepare to live out the rest of your days happy, fulfilled, and yes, Jennifer, you defeated the Silence."  The crowd cheers.  I cry.  Bob gives me a hug. Then I wake up. Fuck.  My psyche is playing another cruel nighttime joke on me.  Ha Ha! April Fools a day early so you wouldn't expect it.  My Psyche is such a Little Bitch.  

I'll admit the dream was a bit of letdown so I did what any Neurotic Pessimist would: Surfed the Internet.  Below you will find sadistic April Fools Pranks which made my life seem better by comparison. (Though the comparisons are apples to oranges)

"Hahahaha, I am such the Asshole."
1.) Yes Sanctions, No Bananas: Despite what one might think, Saddam Hussein, former President of Iraq, and his son Uday were fun-loving pranksters.  Need proof?  Sure you do!  On April 1, 1998, the Babil newspaper (owned by Uday), "informed it readers that President Clinton had decided to lift sanctions against Iraq" only to admit later Uday was just kidding.  Sanctions still exist, guys.  Obviously, the Iraqi people found the Hussein Hijinks hilarious so hilarious in fact, that Uday brought back his tricks the following year.  This time announcing that the country's "monthly food rations would be supplemented to include bananas, Pepsi, and chocolate."  Hahaha! Silly people.  Bananas, Pepsi, and Chocolate are luxuries reserved for evil Dictators and their psychotic, but fun loving sons.  Yes Sanctions but No Bananas for you.

2.) Get Out of Jail Free: On April 1st of 2000, the Opinia newspaper announced that a squalid Romanian prison would be releasing much of it population into the arms of their families.  In response, sixty hopeful Wives and Daughters made a long journey to reunite with their loved ones only to be informed: "April Fools!  No one's being released!  Hahah!"  The Opinia later made a public apology.  Isn't  dangling hope and then offering soul crushing disappointment hilarious?

3.) Colorize Your TV: In 1962, SVT (Sveriges Television) was the the only available station in Sweden, and their programming was broadcast in black and white.  On April 1st, SVT  announced that Kjell Stensson, a technical expert, was about to "describe a process that would allow people to view color images on their existing black and white sets."  What was that process?

"He began to explain how the process worked. His discussion was highly technical, going into details about the prismatic nature of light and the phenomenon of "double slit interference." But at last he arrived at the main point. Researchers, he said, had recently discovered that a fine-meshed screen placed in front of a black-and-white television screen would cause the light to bend in such a way that it would appear as if the image was in color. "

More simply put: Cut open a pair of nylon stockings and tape them to your television set.  Presto Chango: Color TV!  Though, Stensson warned his viewers that after they Nylonized their Televisions, most people would need to wave their heads back and forth while staring at the screen in order to "align the color spectrum".  Thousands of Swedish viewers would later admit to chopping up their hosiery, sitting disappointed in front of their Still Colorless TVs, while waving their heads back and forth but to no avail.  Awe, poor Swedes.  Tricky old Kjell!

*For more awesome and soul crushing pranks check out this site.

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