Monday, April 2, 2012

No Way Out: Dog Grooming Gone Wrong

For the past couple weeks, My Days have been marked by Wild Spurts of Energy and Hopefulness followed by Lethargy, Self Loathing, and Despair.  Aw, its Beautiful Cycle.  First, I run around my apartment cleaning like a maniac, cooking healthy meals, and assuring myself dandelions take time to grow.  Then..I crash.  The once Perky and Calm Woman is replaced by a Mournful and Pathetic Jennifer who lays on the couch in the fetal position humming "There's no way out of this dark place.  No hope.  No future." (From Disney's Crappy and Slightly Racist movie Brother Bear) Yesterday, I spent the morning and early afternoon as Self Loathing Jennifer (Gawd, she's crazy.  And why do all her scenarios end with orgies?  I dunno), only to transform back into Maladjusted but Still Productive Jennifer by the evening.  Toward the goal of productivity, I concluded that last night was as good of time as any to finally groom my dog.

You see, my canine companion, Brutus, happens to have long hair which tends to mat.  Yuck.  Honestly, its been a rough few months and I ignored old Brute.  What?  I'm sorry.  Somehow in between going insane and experiencing heartbreak I forgot to brush the stupid dog, okay.  Its just a dog, not a person.  Gawd, you're judgmental.  Anyway...last night I thought: "The time has come to fix the furry situation."  Fortunately, about month ago, I purchased a pair of Dog Grooming sheers from Meijer in hopes of tackling the issue right away.  Of course, by the time I got home from the store, a sudden bout of apathy hit me pretty hard and I never managed to open the scissors let alone use them.  Now, however, I was ready, armed with the right equipment and the proper outlook.  Time to beautify Brutus.

Confession: I'm unfit for the task of beautification. My Natural Instincts tell me Makeup is War Paint and that any Girl's Toy is a Potential Weapon.  Listen, I lack a certain innate gentility which might have made me a proper Stepford Wife. Examples, you ask?  For starters, when I was six I sheered one of my Barbies completely bald.  That was the first and best hair styling job I've ever performed.  As I walked around with my mangled Barbie my mother looked on in horror.  In truth, my own tresses only seem "together" because they happen to be naturally curly (i.e., easy to care for with the proper cut).  But let's move on to War Paint.  For me, Makeup Application came down to practice, my Friends, not talent.  Any skill I possess on that front were earned through years of intense social pressure, hard work, and dedication to the craft between the ages of 12 and 21. Also, Ladies, please note that when properly applied War Paint is a handy tool in your arsenal.  Its Camouflage, Girls. Look adorable and harmless and then pounce. You're wondering about the Potential Weapon aren't you?  Okay fine. At the tender age of four, my older cousin Ginger irritated moi.  Rather than crying or yelling for a parent, I began a careful examination of the baby doll I was clutching, noting with malicious intent its heavy rubber head.  The next thing old Ging knew my doll's head was flying at her mouth with me still holding the toy's leg to provide added force.  Yep, shut her right up.  (I turned vampire on her brother, Andrew, about that same time but that's another story)  The point you ask?: This was a suicide mission.

Despite that knowledge, last night, I went forward with my plan to cut the dog's hair. didn't go well.  I'll admit it.  Hiding the truth does not change reality.  Brutus looks like he was sent through a pencil sharpener.  Everything started out fine but before too long I found that chopping through the mats was difficult.  As I hacked away, I discovered that I was taking a lot more hair then I intended. The more I attempted to "even up" his trim the worse things got at which point I formulated a new plan: Cut all the hair off and let it grow back.  Only that didn't work, either.  By the time I finished, Brute had multiple bald spots.  One of his ear's now appears to be longer than the other.   His tail is asymmetrical.  Its terrible.  No, I'm not providing a picture.  Also, those scissors were a lot sharper than one might think.  YEEEESSSS, I knicked him, alright?  Good new is that dog didn't seem to notice but the Bad News is that event sent me into a torrent of tears.  There is no moral to this story.  Here I sit with an Ugly Dog, Feelings of Guilt, and Self Doubt is Overwhelming me...thoughts of orgies and my own inadequacies soon to follow: "There's no way out of this dark place.  No hope.  No future."


  1. There are many dog grooming tools that professionals and dog owners use to keep their dog looking neat and clean. Some veterinarians even use these tools in case they need to examine a certain portion of a dog’s body more carefully and there is fur getting in the way. Some of the tools used to groom a dog include curry brushes, scissors, stripping combs, shedding blades, clippers, rakes, and stand dryers.

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  2. There are a lot of good arguments to why grooming is important for your dog. Don't be a miserable owner and ignore the grooming part when it comes to your companion's health and hygiene!

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  3. Dog grooming can take a long time to do. Most people don't have a lot of extra time on their hands. That is why it pays to hire someone else to groom your pet for you.

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