Monday, July 16, 2012

Going Down Deep: Sylvia Plath and a Reason to Write

“I like people too much or not at all. I've got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them.” (Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals) Ain't it the truth? When I love, I do so with my whole heart, nothing held back, but, perhaps due to the strength of my affection, those feelings are only directed toward a select few. In my defense, when you "go down deep" and "fall into people" you put yourself at risk. As you might have guessed, recently, this Hysterical Historian has taken a shine to Sylvia Plath. I know. I know. How cliche, of me, but, at the moment, I need a guide capable of leading me through uncharted mental territory. With Plath as my co-pilot, I have prepared to journey deep into my psyche and attempt to recover some part of sanity. To infinity and beyond! Because, for as long as I can remember, I felt too much and broke too easily. Rather than toughening up with age, I became more fragile over the years. Now, trouble concentrating, a flippant remark, or just general anxiety causes me to crumble. As if my world is somehow supported by a plane of melting ice, I stand waiting for the moment when my foundation finally cracks and I succumb in freezing water. Perhaps for that very reason, every so often, more now than before, a cold creeps into my limbs, tears fill my eyes, and I frantically search for an outlet as I drown in cloying fear and despair. The truth is I use this weblog to purge myself of the emotions that hurt and find a measure of peace. I sit in front of my keyboard and swipe away tears, struggling to regain my calm. That is where Plath comes in again. While I would never suggest that I possess any special talent, I do understand Plath's reasons for writing: "I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still." Yep, I write because I cannot see future. I write because I want to be saner. I write because I am terrified. "Can you understand? Can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn" (SP).

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