Thursday, August 23, 2012

I Got a Rock: Waiting on the Great Pumpkin

"This is the time of year to write to the Great Pumpkin. On Halloween Night, the Great Pumpkin rises out of his pumpkin patch and flies through the air with his bag of toys for all the children!"

"You must get discouraged because more people believe in Santa Claus than in you. Well, let's face it; Santa Claus has had more publicity, but being #2, perhaps you try harder."

“There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people... Religion, Politics, and The Great Pumpkin."
Well, my Friends, its not quite October, but the weather in South Bend has taken on the traits of autumn.  There's a nip in the air, and I'm dying to crunch leaves under my feet and carve jack-o-laterns.  In case its unclear, Fall is my favorite season and Halloween is my favorite holiday.  Why, you ask?  Why not Christmas or Thanksgiving?  Because those more popular holidays come with high expectations, family obligations, and soul crushing disappointments.  In fact, the entire Santa Claus Season is always a double whammy, first my birthday and then Jesus'.  Both, historically, have been rather unpleasant for me.  To make matters worse, around mid-December, I begin noticing other people with lovely presents, warm hugs, and booze to lubricate their holiday festivites with, and the Green Eyed Monster grabs hold of me.  Like the Grinch, I stare over at my loathsome Oh So Sober, and Not So Merry Christmas and murmur: "I got a rock."  Of course, eventually my murmuring tranforms into an all out hissy fit in which I greet happier individual's Christmas friviolty with ranting and raving, like Sally Brown.  (Simply replace the Great Pumpkin with Santa Claus and Trick or Treats with Happiness or, at least, Booze.  And, yes, if I had a giant sleigh I'd take away all of your packages, boxes, and tags!):

I was robbed! I spent the whole night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, when I could have been out for tricks or treats.  Halloween is over, and I missed it!  You blockhead! You kept me up all night waiting for the Great Pumpkin, and all that came was a beagle! I didn't get a chance to go out for tricks or treats. And it was all your fault! I'll sue! What a fool I was! I could have had candy apples and gum and cookies and money and all sorts of things. But no! I had to listen to you, you blockhead. What a fool I was. Trick or treats come only once a year, and I missed it by sitting in a pumpkin patch with a blockhead. YOU OWE ME RESTITUTION!
Now, as I approach the ripe old age of 30, my rock collection has grown into a veritable rock garden and I believe Santa Claus is a cruel Old Bastard with a sick sense of humor.  Three decades, and that Son of Bitch has yet to deliver.  He owes me restitution, but I somehow doubt he'll ever pay up. Well, screw Mr. Claus! I'm changing teams.  This year, Yours Truly, will be writing letters to the Great Pumpkin.  Now hold your horses think I'm suddenly a Linus?  Nope.  Sorry, but I had blind faith beat of me YEARS ago.  If I resemble any Peanuts character its Sally, a Complex Woman who calls Linus her Sweet Babboo, but, is not to be trifled with in the Trick or Treat Department.  Not to mention, Ms. Brown has a mind of her own.  When Linus asks her: "You don't believe in the Great Pumpkin? I thought little girls always believed everything that was told to them.  I thought little girls were innocent and trusting," Sally replies: "Welcome to twentieth century."  That's my Girl!  But let's get back on topic here: Why am I placing my hopes in the Great Pumpkin?  Why not simply stop believing?  Because, in my opinion, we each need something or someone to put our faith in, whether its God, the Great Pumpkin, or a friend.  We gotta believe that our histories don't determine our futures.  That, maybe, this time around things will come together the way we always hoped.  And to that end, for now, I've picked out my pumpkin patch and this Halloween I'll be waiting on the Great Pumpkin.  You can wait with me, if you like. "I don't see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look around and there's not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see."

To emphasize my break with Santa here is "Kidnap Mr. Sandy Claws" from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

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