"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness...Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern." ~Kay Refield Jamison, AN UNQUIET MIND
"Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, you and frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't." ~Kay Refield Jamison, AN UNQUIET MIND
You are "tedious beyond belief" and "no reassurance is ever enough." I am. Right now I am frightened, paranoid, humorless, demanding, and pretty damn sure a heaping helping of happiness with a steaming side of sanity isn't waiting for me just around the bend. Instead its all darkness and doom. Just when I thought my life couldn't possibly get more complicated low and behold it did. Peachy. I keep trying to pick up the pieces of my existence and put things back together, but its hard. Each day is a struggle. Can I get out of bed? And when I do will I accomplish anything? Can I leave my apartment? Small tasks are frightening. What if I have to grade assignments AND do the dishes? It might not happen. Let's face it, Folks, at this point, I'm damaged goods, a rickety, creaking, squeaking old piece of machinery that's seen her better days. And gawd, aren't I self indulgent tonight? <Says while swiping away tears> Maybe I just need a little hope. Hope that things might fall into place for a time. That this darkness will not endure. After all, "love, like life, is much stranger and far more complicated than one is brought up to believe."