Wednesday, December 19, 2012

What Is a Hoosier?

Hoosier: A Native or Inhabitant of Indiana.  That is the worst definition of I've ever read.  It tells me nothing about what to expect from the average Hoosier...ssssooo, I've revised the definition.  Having been born and bred in the state allow me to describe the Average Hoosier to You!

1.) Time Lords: No, Hoosiers do not have Tardis'.  If we did, we'd be cooler. But seriously, People, we Indianans take our time zones very seriously.  You see, Hoosiers could care less about what is happening in Iraq, Iran, or Pakistan (their favorite foreign policies involve blowing things up), but mess with a Time Lords time zone and you're trouble, my Friend.  Want an example?  Sure you do!  Back in 2005, a Freshman Republican Representative for Knox County, Troy Woodruff, promised his constituents he would fight daylight savings time to his dying breathe.  However, when the issue came to the Indiana House, Woodruff voted along party lines thereby supporting the infamous bill.  This so enraged the citizens of Knox County that they campaigned almost weekly against Time Lord Woodruff tyranny in the Vincennes Sun Commercial.  Needless to say, next election a Democrat replaced his naughty predecessor by running on the promise bring the Time Lords back to a simpler, Pre-Daylight Savings Time.  We're Time Lords, Dudes.  Just not the cool kind.

2.) Closet Racists: Really Guys.  In1920, Indiana was not only the whitest state in the nation, it was also home to the Second Ku Klux Klan.  In fact, that organization gained such popularity that a full one third of the state's male population belonged to the KKK.  Furthermore, this number fails to include female members of the Klan.  Let alone, Kiddy Klaverns (yeah, that was a real thing). Due to a lot of negative press, over time Hoosiers have learned to closet their racism, but be assured Indiana still home to the Klan.  In fact, while having a tire changed in Lafayette, Indiana the manager of Tire Barn offered to introduce me to his fellow Klansmen.  I politely declined and got the hell outta there.  If you would like more information click here.  Yep, Racist Bastards.

3.) Haters of Knowledge: Listen, if you plan to bring so new fangled notion of sciences and technology, not to mention the concept of tolerance, to the Hoosier state than you better be damn sure none of your ideas appear to conflict with the Indiana's largely evangelical religious values.  Here's just one incident of book burning in Indiana (yes, there are others).  In December of 1977 a self-proclaimed Senior Citizens Group of Warsaw, Indiana burned forty copies of a textbook that had been banned by the Warsaw school board.  The book was entitled Values Clarification: A Handbook of Practical Strategies for Teacher sand Student because the information contained therein seemed, both to the elderly and school board members alike, to breed pro-choice and hedonistic tendencies in their youth.  In order to combat the Forces of Evil, the Old People stood around a barrel laughing wildly and burning the books.  Having taught classes in Warsaw, Indiana I can confidently say, the Fine Citizen's of that town have stamped out knowledge to the best of their abilities.  Merry Christmas!  We hate book learnin!


  1. The Southern Poverty Law Center counts 20 "hate groups" in Indiana, which is, on a per capita basis, about the same number as in Kentucky and West Virginia (and lower than the number per capita in Michigan and Illinois). These include the True Invisible Empire Traditionalist American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. (Who I assume are bitter rivals of the True Invisible Empire Progressive American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.)

  2. Thank you for your comment =) And if the same two groups I'm thinking of (in the 1920s Muncie, Indiana started a rival Klan group because the original group was Klanny enough...or something like that) then you're right they are bitter rivals, Dave.