Thursday, January 17, 2013

Last January

Tonight, I realized that I started this weblog over a year ago.  At the time, I compared my existence to an imploding star, and, when I wrote that very first entry, Yours Truly was in the Depths of Despair.  No, really, in all seriousness, it was hell.  And if you'd have asked back then if things might take a hopeful turn, I'd have said no and then promptly burst into tears.  Just to illustrate how bad off I'd become, let me say this, last January, on the night before the American Historical Society, I got upset, in fact, that I didn't sleep and trembled from head to toe all night long.  The next morning, I drove to Chicago sore from the shaking and in tears.  To be honest, I cannot describe more of that weekend to you because it was hell, and I won't relive it. Miracles don't happen in my neighborhood, Guys.  But, you know what?  During this past year, even during that terrible weekend, I discovered the meaning of grace.  In the midst of despair, I learned that there comes a moment when you can't hold back what's inside.  You can't bide your time.  You can't act sane.  Whatever hurts.  Whatever you feel comes pouring out because you simply can't hide anymore.  Your defenses are gone.  And in those moments, you find out who matters in your life.  Its the people you can't scare off.  The ones who still offer you grace when you're broken and all played out (and say crazy things).  And if you want my opinion, that's a miracle.  To be held up, when you can no longer stand on your own.  I won't lie, Guys.  Its been a tough year.  But I'm hopeful (at least when I'm calm) that something special is just right around the corner.

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