Saturday, January 5, 2013

My Mind Shut Down Like a Clam

“What I didn't say was that each time I picked up a German dictionary or a German book, the very sight of those dense, black, barbed-wire letters made my mind shut like a clam.”
― Sylvia PlathThe Bell Jar

My mind shut down like a clam.  Yep, been there.  In fact, I AM there.  Today, I am needy, whiney, and insecure.  In case you're not self aware, those are bad traits.  Perhaps not unforgivable, but definitely insufferable.  But what can ya do?  I tried reading, but, like Plath, that was a no go.  Then I tried thinking rationally and concluded: The future looks pretty grim, so why bother?  Now, I'm blogging and searching for the simplest form of distraction.  Because here's the truth: I might understand on a rational level that I have to first believe myself worthy of being loved before I can receive the affection I'm wanting, but, then again, I'm kinda of a wreck.  Tedious beyond belief.  In fact, I am so insecure that I keep considering apologizing for my neediness.  No one likes that sort of pressure.  I need to be better.  I need to be stronger.  I need to be my person.  I need to obsess and worry less.  I need to be the old Jennifer.  Its hard to imagining fixing all my issues and what if I can't have the things or love I'm hoping for if I don't?  I'm scared, Guys.  My mind's shut down like a clam.

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