Saturday, January 19, 2013

My Spot

Amy: You're noticeably better.

Me: You think so?

Amy: Yes, you're not so all over the place.

Me: I'm still a little nervous.  Everything's the same right?

In my opinion, that hardest aspect of being bipolar AND OCD is that I struggle with a sense of panic on a regular basis.  For me, the sand is always shifting, and I fear I might fall down, yet again.  In fact, any fluctuation in my emotions, positive or negative, leaves me fragile.  For that reason, I yearn for stability and routine.  Just to take one example, like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, I have a "spot" in all my regular haunts, the corner, chair, or table where I am most comfortable and choose whenever possible.  When forced out of the warmth of my "spot" and plunged into cold realty, I become uneasy.  Routine is a beautiful thing, my Friends.  Why anyone would want more mystery out of life is beyond me.  Human existence is one long mind fuck.  Therefore, the yin to my wild, passionate, and crazy yang is stable, calm, and patient.  Patient is important because I know I am probably a little tiresome.  Tonight, I am a little nervous.  I need to drive home from West Lafayette...what if there is traffic?  Oh dear.  So many variables and so few assurances.  And I guess that's it.  There are no assurances in this life and what we are looking for is someone who knows how messed up we are, how many pills we take, and still wants to hold us anyway (The Silver Linings Playbook)

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