Thursday, February 14, 2013

Failure and Valentine's Day

Who am I?  Right or wrong, so much of our personal identities hang on our careers.  Mine has been wrecked.  And I wonder...will people see me differently?  Its a shallow question, I know.  But suddenly, I feel vulnerable in a whole new way.  What will this change  How long are the arms of failure?  What aspects of my life will it touch?  Certainly job prospects but what about love interest?  I dunno.  I hope not.  I can't be sure.  I've never been here before.  My brother keeps assuring me it doesn't matter.  No one cares.  And no, I've never picked my friends or lovers based upon degree.  But I've got a lot of shortcomings, Guys.  I am Bipolar I, on a shitload of meds, and now I'm a failure.  Having a hard time making my peace with that one.  Everything is falling apart, and its Valentine's Day, and I'm all alone.  Can I call game now?

1 comment:

  1. You're going to feel this way--it's the nature of where you are at the moment-- and nothing anyone can say is going to change that, but let me assure you this is much more about how you feel about yourself than how anyone else sees you. Other people will be more generous in assigning the blame to outside factors than you. Other people cared less about your identity connected to career than you do, and don't attach other character attributes to it like you will (intelligent, successful, competent, attractive, anyone who really cares about you will still believe these things about you). As they say, when you're going through hell, keep going, it gets better, you will find a happiness on the other side, and while there will always be bitterness around this moment, the other side will probably be better than before you went through this crisis. I've been exactly where you are thanks to the same damn set of assholes at that University and it sucks and there is probably just going to be a year of darkness. And while I can definitely say that my ex-adviser's head on a pike on the lawn outside the library would be a lovely Christmas present, you'll care less in time and the pain will fade.