Friday, March 8, 2013

Floating: The Difference a Year Makes

Last March, Yours Truly was in the Depths of Despair.  No, seriously, I scored a 25 out of 26 on a Depression Test and routinely imagined myself "Floating Away."  Thankfully, all my plans for said Floating were unbelievably Irrational and Less than Viable (my favorite involved a flight to Paris, a bottle of pills, and a trip to Notre Dame) but the Floating was definitely part of the plan.  Yet, here we are, a year later.  And I'm improving.  Noticeably.  And, slowly, here a little, there a little, things are getting easier.  No drama filled moments...at least none outside my own head.  Yeah, sure, I am still terrified for my Poor, Old Heart.  But, each day, even that gets a bit easier, I think.  Its not just the drugs finally kicking in.  Its that, over time, I am learning how to trust again.  Because, honestly, Guys, I might always be frightened of being jumped on, like Nero with Pompeia.  Up and Down!  Up and Down!  Until I'm crushed beyond repair.  But the only way to assure that never happens is to lock myself away.  And If I keep everything and everyone special from happening to me then nothing ever will happen to me.  Scared or not, I'm praying something does.

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