Tuesday, April 2, 2013

You Saw No Fault

So give me hope in the darkness 
That I will see the light
Cause ooohh they gave such a fright
But I will hold on with all of my might
Just promise we'll be alright

"You saw no fault.  No cracks in my heart.  You knelt beside my world torn apart."  There is something truly wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it.  Or even make it better.  It is as though I have moved past despair and into acceptance: Jennifer is Fucked Up.  And that's okay.  Except I am cutting.  Slicing.  Making marks.  When I am not branding myself,  it takes every inch of my will power to keep from spending money.  To bounce from shop to shop like a pin ball.  Offering cash and getting a momentary fix.  A high.  I want to beg for help.  To plead.  To say: "Please look beyond the cracks and the scars."  But I can't.  So I sit silent.  Still making my mark.  Never getting enough.  Never feeling full and satisfied.  Because that's the catch: No one can be EVERYTHING.  Satisfaction lies within yourself.  Security is something personal not handed off.  But despite my knowing all that, right now, I really want to that hand to hold.

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