Sunday, July 28, 2013

Sore Spots, Sore Spots Everywhere

Sore Spots.  I have Sore Spots everywhere.  No, really.  Yours Truly is this (imagine a tiniest of spaces) close to a Waterworks Display.  I keep reminding myself things are suppose to get easier.  That with distance comes healing.  That I fell for an idea not reality.  And sometimes those reminders pull me back out of the depths of despair.  Set me on my feet and put me right again. But not today, today, I hurt.

Saturday, July 20, 2013


"Pruning": the act of trimming, or removing what is superfluous

Lately, my little existence reminds me of a potted plant that is finally receiving some much needed pruning.  The dead leaves are falling off with snip here, a tug there.  And as I prune, I ask myself one question: "Does this person or habit make my life better, on the whole?"  If the answer is no, I pull out the scissors and snip away.  And here's the nice thing about pruning.  It needs no announcement.  You simply drop the habit or stop communicating.  No fuss.  No muss.  For instance, last night, someone else got pruned away.  No, it wasn't a snap decision.  In fact, it was made with quite a bit of counsel.  I don't prune willy nilly!  But, if I'm honest, I wish I would made the decision sooner.  Then I wouldn't be struggling my way out of a painful mental loop today.  What's more, I am willing to take some of the blame for today's hardship because here's the deal: I hesitated before I took the call that upset me.  Now my Friends, hesitation is a sure sign you ought to think twice before proceeding.  I could have saved myself upheaval by simply staying quiet.  But what's my point?  Why am I talking about plants and pruning and hurtful telephone calls?  Because, right now, most of my life is centered around cutting away the dead leaves and sickly vines, and leaving behind a smaller, more frail looking plant that I hope will take off and grow.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Dreams and Letting Go

"People think dreams aren't real because they aren't made of matter, of particles.  Dreams are real.  But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes." ~Neil Gaiman

In the past month, I've spent time reassessing my life, and with that reassessment came the necessity of letting some dreams die and allowing new ones to take root in their place.  I won't lie, its a difficult and ongoing process.  But here's the deal: When we love something or someone, I think we will do almost anything to keep the dream of being with that person or succeeding in that job alive, even after the relationship or situation has become warped, perhaps beyond repair.  But, the the hard truth is if you continue to hold onto that warped dream, you cannot make the necessary space for new things in your life.  Things that might help ease the pain.  Beautiful things and new dreams that will assuage the loss of the old ones.  "Dreams are real."  And I am beginning to believe that the only way to let go of something as important and real as a dream is to begin changing your point of view, altering the image, and releasing the memories as best you can.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Evelyn Evelyn: Love Will Tear Us Apart

Because sometimes life is hard and so is letting go.

"All my failings exposed
And there's a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Just that something so good just can't function no more
But love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again" 

On the Job Market

Below You will Find the Top Five Things I have learned while Applying for Jobs.

1.) Time Warner, Pixar, and Disney own EVERYTHING I REALLY ENJOY.  Marvel Comics.  DC Comics.  Vertigo Comics (my personal favorite).  DreamWorks.  You name it, its probably owned by one of the two companies.  In fact, Disney even owns ESPN, not that I find that channel particularly entrancing, but still.  Some naive, stupid part of me thought that I could go work for an independent comic book company. Think again.

2.) Online Job Applications are Hell.  No, really.  The Websites are Forever losing your Password.  I mean, dammit, I KNOW what my password is.  I just used it yesterday.  But once its gone you just have to fill everything out all over again.  And here's the real kicker: You know as well as I do that filling out 20 job applications isn't enough.  No, try, a thousand and then you'll possibly get somewhere.  Perfect.  I swear the websites lose the information as part of an evil plan to see how dedicated applicants are to finding employment.

3.) Cover Letters: I HATE cover letters.  Unlike your resume which you finish and go on with you must tweak the cover letter for every single fucking job application whether you are applying to be a publicity assistant or a university training specialist all the jobs require a specialized cover letter so keep Word open and be ready to tweak away. (Okay, I've heard every single resume should be tweaked as well but I'm going with a High Volume Strategy.  So Shoot me!)

4.) Publishing House Jobs need better descriptions.  Seriously, I would like to know how much this gig pays.  Because here is the deal: I am a realistic woman and I happen to know any job with a publishing house will probably involve atrocious hours.  I've made my peace with that, but if I plan to give up my life for fulfilling work then I want to know a dollar amount involved here because lets face it I already tried being fulfilled with no pay.  Its called Grad School and I've had my fill.  

5.) Finally, why aren't I more talented and why didn't I get my shit together earlier?  Do you know how fucked over Grad School leaves you?  DO YOU?  All my experience is in higher education or waitressing.  Neither one qualifies me for the jobs I want.  And I'll be honest here: If I were more talented, then I could just blog or write a living.  But, alas, no.  Those of us who can't write must work on the lower echelons of the food chain.  

Monday, July 15, 2013

Poor Life Choices: Grad School

“She had been living like a hermit herself, in a cramped, seedy apartment in Somerville, spending long hours in the lab. All-nighters had become a regular thing. She didn't have any close friends, didn't go out on dates, didn't even go to the movies by herself. She had sacrificed a normal life in order to get a PhD, and become a scientist.” ― Michael CrichtonMicro

In the course of their Graduate Careers, most Grad Students will, after five or six years of exhausting and mind numbing work, come to a crossroads in which she questions the very meaning of life and, then, examines the Poor Choices that lead to this devastating moment.  "What was it all for?" she'll moan in a broken little voice.  Of course, after a proper mourning period, most Graduates finally realize what other people realized right out of Undergraduate School, that they have one of Three Options at this point.  

A.) Continue Forward, Take the Verbals Abuse, Accept the Vague Instructions, Embrace the Endless Amounts of Research, and Attempt to Finish this So Called Dissertation that No One, not even Family Members, will ever Read.  

B.) Move Back in with Your Parents and then Promptly go Insane as they attempt to monitor your Bedtime despite the fact you are Three Decades Old and Graduate School has taught you to sleep all day and write all night.  Revert back into Childhood.  Wake up at 7am, eat Fruit Loops, then pretend to work on the Dissertation that isn't getting finished for the Job that's never coming.

C.) Lower your standards (which in all honesty is raising them), Wake up at a Proper Hour, and Attempt to Get a Real Job.  Then, theoretically, Starting Paying off the Crushing Amount of Debit you Accrued while pursuing "Higher Education"

In my opinion, the least loathsome of three options is "C," and for that reason, Yours Truly applied to fifteen different jobs through Corporate Disney, Marvel Comics (also Disney), HarperCollins, Random House Books, Penguin, and Vertigo Comics (actually Warner Brothers).  Now that I've got those fifteen under my belt, I just need to fill out about a thousand more applications and this process ought to be well on its way.  

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Basking in the Glow of Neil Gaiman

Taken from my iPod
Yours Truly has spent the day basking in the glow of Neil Gaiman.  Why, you ask?  Because last Thursday night at the Grand Reserve in Lexington, Kentucky, Mr. Neil Gaiman read both from his newest novel, The Ocean at the End of the Lane, and his upcoming children's book, Fortunately the Milk, due to be released this September. Now, get ready to be jealous because...I was THERE sitting in the SECOND ROW, nearly close enough to touch NEIL GAIMAN.  Go ahead take it in.  Personally, I still can't believe it. As if that wasn't enough to last me a lifetime, I even got swag in the form of an Amanda Palmer cd compliments of Mr. Gaiman himself along with the two books he signed for me (Neil wrote "Sweet Dreams" in my copy of Absolute Sandman Volume I.  <girlish squeal of delight>), and a copy of the Graveyard Book pre-signed by Neil. So the question remains was it worth the two hours I stood outside the Grand Reserve, the two hours I sat waiting for John Scalzi to introduce Neil inside the Grand Reserve, and the four hours and fifteen minutes I waited for Neil to sign my books, not to mention the disturbing looking male belly dancer I was forced to watch in the interim.  My answer: Absolutely!  That night was magical and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  In fact, I so love Neil's voice that I purchased an audio copy of Oceans to listen to on my way home from Bloomington tonight. "The one thing you have that nobody else has is you.  Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision.  So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can."  ~Neil Gaiman

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Sentimental Heart: Delete, Delete, Delete

I do not care for the unexpected...and lately, its been all unexpected all the time, so, I did what any mild extrovert with self esteem issues and an anxiety complex would: Deleted all my social networking sites.  (Oh the horror!!) That's right, Folks!  Outside of this blog, Jennifer is offline for the foreseeable future.  Okay, really I've been baby stepping this little endeavor.  In fact, I got off of Facebook over two years ago.  This time around, I just had to let go of my Goodreads was harder to cut the cord than you might expect.  Goodreads has been my Facebook surrogate.  Comforting and nourishing me through my Facebooking withdrawal period.   So, why did I to delete my accounts?  Because there is a hell of a lot I cannot change in my life right now, lots of baggage, lots of hurt, and lots of disappointment, and I can either focus on that fact, and become the Zoey Deschenal song "Sentimental Heart": "Cried all night till there was nothing more.  What use am I as a heap on the floor. Heaving devotion but just its no good.  Taking it hard just like you knew I would."  Or I can move on with my life.  Nothing new and amazing happens when you are a heap on the floor...of course, old habits die hard.