Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Starbucks is Stalking Me

Starbucks is stalking me .  No seriously.  About a month ago, in a fit of panic, I applied to my local Starbucks hoping for a "hold me over" job until the actual opening I'm wanting materializes.  Since then I've been called in for two interviews and, then, proceeded to ignore two of their phone calls only to have a manager telephone me again at 9pm last night requesting I come in for interview number three today.  Dear Lord, what do they want?  What other questions can they possibly have?  And if you want to know the truth, I'm not sold on the job.  Just saying. While there is nothing wrong with slinging coffee, I'm not sure I feel like making mocha javas all day.  And I know what you are thinking: Just be honest.  Say you won't work holidays.  I DID!  I demanded a week at Thanksgiving, a week at Christmas, and every Thursday night off.  This time I'm demanding October 26th off.  Just to be random.  Well, my interview is in 30 minutes so this disheveled blogger is signing off now.  Ta ta for now.

Monday, September 16, 2013

A Pale Shade of Azure

I'm a little sad tonight, and not entirely sure why.  Its been a good day.  In fact, last week was great and this week is shaping up to be pretty awesome as well.  So why am I blue?  I dunno.  My fall back answer is that some things still sting around the edges of my mind, but, with time, even that most poignant pain is easing.  For example, I don't cry the way I used to anymore.  In fact, I'm staying pretty on track.  I'm picking up new tricks (crocheting and knitting cables), hanging out with my friend, and putting my life back together.  But despite all that progress, in the silent moments at the end of my day a dull ache seeps into my bones making me uncomfortable and ill at ease, a pain I wish would disappear.  But you know what? I believe, that with time, it will.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

The Fence

"Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up." (~G.K. Chesterton)  I feel weak today.  As a result of that weakness, part of me wants to give up and break my silence, but, if I do that then I toss months of hard work away.  Months of gaining distance.  Months of getting healthier.  Months of crying less.  Not to mention, tearing the fence down would ignore the reasons why I put it up in the first place. Why silence, I ask myself?  Because I was hemorrhaging heartache and he remained unmovable, like a cold, hard statue. That even the bonds of friendship had failed.  For example, last spring friends called from Europe to check on me but he couldn't even muster a reasonable email let along a call.  That isn't the work of someone who cares about you. <Insert reflective pause> Okay that helps.  Resolve renewed and reestablished.  Sometimes, I just need reminding about why the fence went up.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Heart, we will forget him!

HEART, we will forget him!
You and I, to-night!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me,
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging,
I may remember him!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Get Me OUT!

Patience is a virtue I do not possess.  Nothing, and I mean nothing is happening quickly enough for my taste.  Not getting hired.  Not getting over him.  Not anything.  And I'm frustrated.  I'm sitting in Starbucks with two crochet projects, one partially finished knitted scarf, and a chapter outline, but all I can think is: "I want out."  Out of here.  Out of everything.  I'm not even sure what that means: To be OUT.  Does it mean to be finished?  Or at peace?  Maybe both, and I want it.  I ache to run, to hop in my car, fill up my gas tank, and drive away from everything...for good.  But would the running really get me out?  I somehow doubt it.  Nothing feels right, and I'm tired.  I want out.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Crochet Your Worries Away Down in Fraggle Rock

My newest hobby/obsession: Crochet.  Why, you ask?  Am I your ninety year old Grandma?   No, I am not. And, I can give you three good reasons why crochet is the way.  A.) Yours Truly has hoarded hundreds of dollars worth of nice yarn in buckets, bags, and cubbyholes throughout my apartment.  And last week, the Guilt Fairy visited me in order to reminded me of how much money I had spent and what I had yet to do.  So the time has come to turn those balls of spun fibers into apparel.  B.) Crocheting takes a third of the yarn knitting does and is twice as fast.  Boom!  C.) I needed something new to occupy my mind while I block him out (a daily chore) and wait to hear back on my job applications.  Thus, last Sunday, on impulse, I called every Yarn Store in the Tri-County area until Lighthouse Fibers in St. Joseph, Michigan finally agreed to give me a lesson, immediately!  And after a forty five minute drive, followed by fours hours of mind numbing work I had learned the basics.  And after a few more hours of practicing the basics and watching YouTube videos I had picked up a few other tricks: Foundation Stitches, Yarn Overs, and Double Crochets.  Its been a Godsend.  Every time he slips into my mind I either pop on a new episode of Mad Men or pick up my new project.  See Guys?  Combine mind altering medications with a new hobby and you can totally compartmentalize your life to the point of almost forgetting someone broke you.  Just set those broken bones, mend that tattered heart, and crochet your cares away...down in Fraggle Rock.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


Maybe its from lack of sleep.  Maybe its stress.  Maybe its simply part of being bipolar, but, today I am depressed.  Hurts are resurfacing and I cannot muster up the anger to keep them at bay.  Why anger, you ask?  Because its better than tears.  A little fire keeps me together.  But I'm too tired to feel much of anything but a pale shade of azure.  Right now, I feel like I'm fading away and, soon, I'll be nothing more than a ghost of who I was before him, completely translucent.