Thursday, October 24, 2013

Unread Email: Scared

Admitting you are bipolar never gets easier, or at least, it doesn't for me.  Things have been rough going lately, Folks.  I am applying to psychology programs in December and leaving my Phd program this May while balancing "playing the game" in my current program long enough to keep my health insurance.  In order to fund this little venture and then get a job (psychologists are somewhat in demand; at least more so than historians) I had to email my former adviser from undergrad.  Now keep in mind, said Adviser is the nicest guy you'll ever meet.  He has always been my advocate, but he doesn't know I'm bipolar or I'm leaving my last night I emailed him, admitted the truth, and asked the questions I needed answering.

1.) Do you admit being bipolar in a personal statement?

2.) Would he write me a letter?

3.) Is studying mood disorders out of fashion these days (i.e., do I need to pick another topic?)

And, guess what?  My kind Undergraduate Mentor emailed me back at 5am this morning.  But here's the catch.  I cannot bring myself to open his email.  I've just got no idea what it says and, maybe he's kindly told me to forget getting a degree in psychology and go on with my life.  I dunno.  Maybe he's said if I couldn't hack it at Notre Dame then why would I be able to get a degree in a different field.  Or maybe he's just answered my questions and everything is fine.  The problem isn't with him.  Its with me.  I admitted two scary things: A.) I'm bipolar and B.) I'm leaving Notre Dame.  So here I sit with an unread email.  I guess I'll just go back to sleep.

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