Saturday, April 26, 2014

Boy Problems in World of Warcraft

Do you know what is wrong with World of Warcraft?  People (especially men) won't leave you alone.  Okay, yes, its an RPG but here's the deal, Guys.  I play WoW for Three Reasons

A.) I like to collect and wear new pretty clothes and swords.

B.) I enjoy killing things as long as I can look pretty while I do it and have either a fluffy pet or a demon (whichever) by my side.

C.) I've always wanted to ride a tiger and now I can.

Seriously, I just want these Needy Boys to go away.  Despite my inexperience, I don't need some Knight in Warlock Armor coming to try and help me.  Its off putting.  No, I don't want to chat.  No, I don't want to drink mead with you.  No, I definitely don't want to fuck.  Allow me to reiterate what I DO want is to collect things, wear pretty clothes, and ride tigers.  Boys (and Girls) if you want to chat, drink, or fuck go do it in real life.  Its much better that way.  And if you think you're to out of shape or backward to do any of those things then go workout or see a therapist.  I do both.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Audacity

Okay, I gave in and read one of His weblog posts and now I kinda want to puke.  This man has got the audacity to mock a fictional character (from a pointless book he's been outlining in painful detail for over a year now) for being a "douche-bag" to women.  This is same man who once scolded me and insisted I return a library book "so other students can read it."  A.) No one liked your boring book, Dude.  I only read it as mean of flirting/showing a little interest.  Not exactly flying off the fucking shelf.  Get OVER yourself B.) Who the fuck did he think he was?  How demeaning is that?  "Everyone wants to read my book.  You should return it now."  Well, Fuck Face the University of Notre Dame disagrees (I never gave it back on precedent and no one ever missed it) and I'm pretty sure every other University in the US would concur.  No one is gonna pick up your stupid waste of paper as classroom reading material.  I wish I had saved the email.  I'd post it, but, really, this dick-wad has the balls to call anyone out when it comes to how that person treats woman? Let's not forget, he flirted with me while dating someone else.  Promised to go to Woodford Reserve with me and then when he felt bad because that was definitely cheating not just flirting, he acted like a two year old and simply refused to answer emails on the subject.

Me: So when do you want to go?

Him: Silence

Me: Do you still want to go?

Him: Crickets


Never told me why.  Just sat silent and deleted things he could not deal with.  How fucking mature, you little Prick!  I finally had to ask him point blank: Are you seeing someone (due to something I saw on facebook) bec. he NEVER mentioned his weird dog defiler to me, not even once.  When he finally owned up to it, he never addressed his feelings for me but said "I can only have one girlfriend at a time," then proceeded to flirt with me (a mentally ill person) for the next two years and again, never mention her.   Bastard!  Clean your own fucking doorstep.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Cave: I'm Worth More

Sometimes I forget how far I've come.  Back in January of 2012, I planned to end my life.  I was in the midst of a severe depressive episode and the jackass I fell for found that teasing me, flirting with me (telling me he'd stay out of my dreams), and then slamming me was somehow okay because he was former prof of mine.  It would take me two years of therapy to realize he had major issues which exacerbated my illness...and made him a total prick. My brother and friends held my hand throughout that period and encouraged me to pick a mantra, find a hobby, do anything on earth except end things...and "please," they begged "ditch the loser."  So one night I came across Mumford and Sons "The Cave" and that song became my new mantra.  I would turn the music up as loud as it would go and sob as I sang along: "I will hold on hope."  But I had no hope at least not then.  I could not imagine a world in which I didn't hurt all the time.  However, with the help of friends, God, and Meds, slowly I began to improve, and as I did, I could no longer listen to the song that once been such a comfort to me.  It hurt.  Brought up memories of that excruciating pain.

Fast forward to now, He is out of my life.  I haven't spoken to him in going on a year now.  I am job hunting and relatively stable.  And I can listen to "The Cave" once more.  This time a new set of lyrics from the song speaks to me about him: "So sing make your sirens call.  And sing all you want.  I will not hear what you have to say. Because I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as its meant to be."  Some people are full of shit and they will drag you down with them because they don't have the balls to let go of you or treat you right.  Never let someone do that to you.  You're worth more.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Good DAY, Sir!

Here's the thing, Guys: I am probably never going to forgive the Asshole who treated me like dog-shit.  Maybe if he had apologized, I could have seen him as something more than Immature, Sadistic, Little Ass Wipe.  But he didn't (and won't) so I don't.  And if you read this you Little Fucker these are all dedicated to You!


1.) Elliot Smith: Ballad of Nothing



Favorite Line:  "A tired man with only hours to go just waiting to be taken away"

2.) Eamon: Fuck It! (I don't want you back!) 



Favorite Line: "Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now.  Fuck all those presents you might as well throw em' out."  And for the record, he is a kinda of hoe.

3.) Bob Dylan: Don't Think Twice, Its Alright



Favorite Line: “I ain’t saying you treated me unkind, you could have done better but I don’t mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time.”

4.) Cee-Lo Green: Fuck You


Favorite Line: I think this one is self explanatory: FUCK YOU! "I pity the fool who falls in love with you"


Things That Will Destroy Me

"I desire the things that will destroy me in the end." ~Sylvia Plath  For the past week and half, I've struggled with feeling empty and tired.   I want to feel good again.   To fly high.  To Soar.  The sick part is, while I don't miss being sick, I miss a relationship that aggravated my illness.  That little high I'd get when I found his name bolded in my inbox.  The way nothing else seemed to matter.  For a few moments, my cares fell away.  Not that he ever said anything meaningful.  That would taken balls.  But there was something about the staccato beat of my heart as I clicked on the message that I miss.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I know why I miss it.  Its called avoidance coping.  Let's fixate on something harmful that I know my way around rather than dealing with the painful realities of now. You see, I'm under extreme stress to find a job and fast.  I've no clue where my livelihood is coming from and no net, outside of God, to fall back on.  So here I am "on the raggedy edge.  Don't push me and I won't push you."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Damn Your Eyes


Feelings App

There needs to be a FEELINGS TRACKER app. ‘Oh, these feelings are period, these feelings are non-specific anxiety based on things that haven’t happened yet, these feelings are that Sarah McLaughlin dog commercial…’

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Worn Down

My Therapist is ALWAYS right.  No, seriously.  Three months ago, she warned me: "As the pressure to find a job intensifies, you're gonna want to talk to him again."  I could not imagine it then.  Now, tonight, after a devastating job rejection (I swear it was a hit and run), I want nothing more than to talk to him.  I know its crazy and I won't do it.  Its not that resolve is weakening.  Its that there is this annoying little lie floating around my brain that says: "He'd provide comfort."  But he won't and he never did.  He hurt me time and again.  I will not return to the Evil that I know in the Face of the Unknown.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

HIMYM: Fairytales and Reality

 "If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing: Timing, but timing's a bitch." - Robin Scherbatsky

Earlier this Week, The Series Finale of How I Met Your Mother left some of their Fan Base Reeling.  Where was the Fairytale Ending, they asked?  How Could the Mother Die, some moaned?  Ted remains hung up on Robin, others cried?  Here's my answer to the Hurt, Confused, and Angry Fans: HIMYM is not nor was it ever Friends.  In other words, this Series was never about Fairytales in the ways that Friends really was.  Throughout the Show, we watched the Cast fall in love, break-up, and move on from Each Other and Guest Stars.  The Stable Factor in their Relations was Instability.  In fact, Lilly and Marshall's is the only Stable Relationship in the Series, and even They Break Up, though not for long.  In contrast, Robin, Ted, and Barney bounce from Relationship to Relationship trying to Find Something that Works.  And at times they DO, but not everything lasts the way Lilly and Marshall's idealistic marriage does.  Lilly and Marshall are the Ideal, not often Reality and that's Point, HIMYM is about the realities of Single Adult Life.  Things Rarely Turn out as Neatly as Planned and, furthermore, most Relationships come down to one Simple Word: Timing.  Ted and Robins Timing was Off.  Ted and the Mothers was not.  Robin and Barney were on and off again, but not something that could last forever.  Robin, despite what the Fans wanted, could not CHANGE Barney.  Only Barney could change Barney.  And this is where some Fans become Upset.  Shouldn't Ted love the Mother more than Robin?  Shouldn't Robin and Barney have lasted?  Well, the latter didn't and who knows about the former? (That's for the viewers to decide.)  What we do know is that Ted never let go of Robin.  Now, is this a good choice or a bad one?  Again, you decide. 

In my opinion, as a character Ted is never upheld as the "healthy example" to follow.  Teds obsessiveness, idealism, and inability to let go costs Him time and again.  This not Friends.  There is No Ross and Rachel or Monica and Chandler.  Holding on too long has consequences..perhaps it cost Ted something with the Mother (he waits six years to marry her).  We don't know.  But what do know is that there are some lesson to be learned from the Series.  1.) Timing matters.  Now, you think I'm referring to something I vowed never to bring up again, don't you?  Well, you're wrong.  You know why?  See Lesson Two.  2.) We Ask Forgiveness.  Throughout their Nine Season Run, we saw Ted, Lilly, Marshall, and Robin break each other's hearts, not just as lovers, but as friends.  Why doesn't the group break up completely?  They always make amends.  I'm sorry is ever present in the series.  People fuck up, but remorse goes a long to mending bridges.  That never happened for me.  I never got the "I'm sorry" that could have let me call Timing on the whole Situation.  Lastly, I think we Learn to Let Go.  People wanted a Storybook ending for Ted and the Mother, but Ted couldn't Let Go of Robin the way He needed to...so maybe the lesson for us in real life is to Let Go of the Past, Accept the Writers Ending, and Remember that We Make or Break Our Own Fairytales.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)


Sylvia Plath died in London, England on this day in 1963 (aged 30).

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

CW Looking Disdainful


Update

Facebook is not as a exciting as I remember it.  Maybe its the two years of being sick.  Maybe its that I'm a little kinder and less snarky than I used to be.  Maybe its that I don't need everyone in my business, but its just a "thing" and all the posing that is going on is a little sad.  Oh, well.  Who knew?

BACK ON FACEBOOK!!!

Guess who is back on Facebook?   I AM!!!  How is that possible you ask?  Well, a friend of mine helped me block the two people who kept me from logging on.  That's right.  Its like they're dead.  I LOVE it.  As it is on Facebook, may it be on earth.  Whose excited?  I AM!!!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Busy Bee and Cat People


GO TO THE HOTEL AND GET BUSY BEE!!!  RUN!! RUN!! 
This would never happen to cat people!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Nick Hornby Is a Twat

I am sitting in Better World Books picking out reading material for myself and reveling in the fact that I don't have to pretend anymore.  No more acting like I think everything someone else does is interesting.  Guess what?  I think Nick Hornby is a tremendous twat and a chauvinistic pig.  And I LOVE China Mievielle.  Also, anyone who rates Perdido Street Station less than four stars is a moron.  Furthermore, if you have to add children's books to your Goodreads account you possess the fine tuned intelligence of a baboon.  My decisions are now all my own and I could not care less what anyone thinks.  I have rediscovered myself and I am finding I like me just as I am.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Fuck You!

Because, dammit, saying FUCK YOU ASSHOLE feels so freaking good.

You Simply Are

The anxiety is finally passing.  Its taken twenty four hours, but my breathing has begun to even out.  Thoughts and images that caused me such anguish yesterday now flit through my mind's eye with ease.  Its going to be okay.  Sometimes I forget that Facebook is nothing more than a pissing contest.  People post photos of who they want to be.  Not who they are.  In response, their "friends" like those images in an effort to validate this false existence.  Hard truth is that if you are really happy and fulfilled you don't need facebook's validation nor do you have anything to prove by posting a photograph to imply your happiness.  There is no need for a social media persona because you simply are.

PS: As a side note, sibling rivalry out to end before ya hit forty.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Top Ten Signs I Need Xanax

1.) Altered/Irregular Breathing

2.) Tears

3.) Overwhelming Feelings of Sadness and Despair

4.) A Sense of Worthlessness

5.) Fear of Reading (Something in a Book Might Further Upset Me)

6.) Need to Post Repeatedly on My Blog

7.) Thoughts of Death as Peace

8.) Fear of the Future

9.) A Desire to Stare at Photographs That I Know Will Induce Waterworks

10.) Intense Hurting Over Something/Someone Who Isn't Worth My Time

Need Relief

I am always thankful for my anxiety medication, always.  But here's the thing: Right now am I somewhere in between crying, hyperventilating, and crawling out of my skin.  Dammit I wish the drugs would worked faster.  In fact, this post is little more than a distraction, an attempt to kill some time.  I need relief.  Dear God, please give me the relief I need.

Letting It Go

Hard Night but I'm Keeping my Commitment to my Therapist and God to "Let It Go".  And on that note (but definitely Xanax tonight!):


Also Gotta Keep This in Mind: "The funny thing was, whenever I looked at those pictures--all the time I was at the hospital and everything--all I could ever see was this poor, sensitive, vulnerable boy...someone vulnerable like me.  That's who I kept waiting for to show up.  I just had this incredible blind spot.  I was like Helen Keller when it came to you." ~She's Come Undone

Happy Little Trees

This is what I'm praying for Guys.  Happy Little Trees and No More Nightmares.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Xanax or Not?

Question of the Night: Do I take Xanax or Not?  Here's the thing.  I have been productive today.  No seriously, I have:

*Mailed Sympathy Cards

*Bought Milk and Cereal 
*Walked an Annoying, Yippie Dog
*Went for Another Walk at the Park
*Ate Lunch Out
*Visited with a Friend
*Made Plans for Tomorrow
*Spent at Least Two Hours on the Phone
*Washed Three Loads of Laundry
*Folded Said Laundry
*Loaded the Dishwasher
*Scooped the Cat Litter
*Took Out the Trash
*Vacuumed the Apartment
*Emptied the my Dyson Animal
*Cleaned the Toilet (Company is Coming)
*And Finally, Enjoyed a Long Hot Shower

By all accounts I should be tired, but I feel on edge, like something is lurking around the edges of my mind.  Not sure what, but something terrible.  I hate the uneasiness, and I'm still left with the question: To take the Xanax or not?

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

She's Come Undone (Or Has She?)

"The funny thing was, whenever I looked at those pictures--all the time I was at the hospital and everything--all I could ever see was this poor, sensitive, vulnerable boy...someone vulnerable like me.  That's who I kept waiting for to show up.  I just had this incredible blind spot.  I was like Helen Keller when it came to you." ~She's Come Undone

In a work of fiction, Wally Lamb recorded my experience so poignantly that as I read tears of relief splashed down my face.  Lamb put into words emotions and realizations that I have struggled to verbalize for over two years.  I want send this author a letter of gratitude for the gift of freedom.  I know myself and I finally see Dante for who he is.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Goodbye Heartache?

A funny thing is happening.  Each day, I get a little closer to deleting this weblog.  You'd think ridding myself of the past would be easy but its not.  There's this part of me that cannot quite let go of the memory of those two painful years.  Maybe its natural.  Perhaps its easier to cling to the evil you know than wander into uncharted territory.  To step into a new day, free, unshackled from the baggage you so tenderly carried for so long. That's the scary part, you know, letting go of that baggage.  In fact, each day, I still have to make a conscious effort to focus on the here and now, whether that's applying for jobs, working out, or reading a book, rather than losing myself in the past, picking up the memories, questions, and anxieties that still haunt me.  Because while my life has ceased to be a "Good Morning Heartache," I still wonder when the phantom pains will finally end.

Billie Holiday singing "Good Morning Heartache"


Sunday, March 9, 2014

Lady Dinah's Cat Emporium

Far left is CW and beside him is Zodiac when she was a baby.
Following a Japanese trend that began nearly a decade ago, Australian Lauren Pears has just opened London's first kitty cafe, Lady Dinah's Cat Emporium.  For a price (early bird specials ran around 120 pounds), people can come, hang out with the kitties, and enjoy a snack.  Sounds fun, right?  Well, if you want to know the truth, I have mixed feelings when it comes to these type of establishments.  On the one hand, a Feline Emporium is a neat way to rescue ten to eleven cats at a time and see that they get the attention they deserve (if the place is run well).  On the other, its seems cruel to charge someone to play with a rescued cat especially considering who the individuals most likely to use such an establishment are often in most need of a little cat therapy.  For example, one Phd student in London admitted she was suffering from depression and hoped her VIP membership to Lady Dinah's would speed along the healing process.  Or take me for instance, I bought my two cats CW (half Himalayan, half American Bobtail) and Zodiac (traditional Siamese) in the midst of bipolar episode, and my two super cute cats have brought me no small amount of comfort.  Its not that I dislike the idea of Lady Dinah's or that I think Pears' drawing a huge salary.  My issue stems more from my wish for the ideal.  A peaceful atmosphere where people could go for a little pet therapy with being charged (and yes, volunteering at your local shelter is a good idea but sometimes whether mentally or physically people are not up to doing that).

Saturday, March 8, 2014

I Don't Care For Losing...


Because You Are Precious in My Eyes

Isaiah 43:4-5: "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you."  These are the verses we prayed over at the Bible study retreat I attended this morning.  As we prayed, a funny thing happened to me.  I remembered how far God has brought in the last two years.  In January of 2012, I was severely suicidal, suffering from a broken heart, and in the midst of a bipolar episode.  By Spring of 2013, though the suicidal symptoms were dissipating, I was still being lead on, still aching, still cutting my arms, and still attending crisis counseling, along with my scheduled therapist sessions, on a regular basis.  Now, here we are March of 2014 and I haven't cut my arms in nearly a year.  The heartbreak is gone.  I am sane and whole.  There are still remnants of the past that hurt now and again, but those are mere twinges compared to the devastation that once wracked my entire body.  Throughout my darkest period, I had people praying for me on a daily basis and I know God brought me through.  Now, I'm facing different types of storms in my life, but this time around I choose to believe God is with me.   I may not know what the future holds but I believe the Lord will not forsake me.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Let it Go

In the dead of night things seem bleak.  No really.  Here's a for instance: take look at craigslist, any city's craigslist.  This is what you will find: Cat owners abandoning their pets (dog owners are doing the same thing but, then again, dogs suck, especially little yippie ones).  Its sad.  I feel badly for these dumped kitties and, yet, what can I do?  Nothing because I live in a nice apartment with two bonded, purebred felines and, let's be brutally honest, I like things the way they are.  I am sorry that kittens are being abandoned but I have no desire to mess up the delicate ecosystem that is my life. Its 3:00am and what moves me in my sleep deprived state will fail to stir up the same emotion in the light of day.  In fact, I realized that its only in my sleep-deprived/slightly bored moments that I take the time to blog about what a douche-bag He is.  Its a stress reaction. 

Unlike Tumblr, you Guys normally get posts in my weaker moments.  Honestly, when I'm in the sunlight, I remember who I am and who he is.  I am a well educated, attractive 31 year old with multiple degrees, and hopes of getting a job.  He is an impotent old man.  I'm not sure he was ever the fine pinot noir I thought him to be, but I'll be generous here, maybe he was fifteen years ago.  At this point, in wine terms, he's turned to vinegar.  Best you could do is scrub the floor with him. Time to Let It Go!

PS: I emailed my therapist tonight and made a commitment to never journal, post, or pray about Him ever again.  And when he crosses my mind, I'll blast Idina Menzel's LET IT GO until He goes away.  The cold never bothered me anyway!







The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

 

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

 
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

 
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

 

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

 

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

 

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

 
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Dyson Animal

You know you're beginning to age when things like a new vacuum excites you the same way new bike would have twenty years ago.  That's right.  I purchased a Dyson Animal (DC41), Folks.  Oh, she's a beautiful thing to behold.  No, seriously, this magnificent piece of machinery is bag-less, has blow your mind suction, is easy to use, and comes with a FIVE YEAR WARRANTY (longest on the market).  I love it so much I vacuum once a day...sometimes twice a day because it pulls up everything.  Carpets that look clean still produce dirt.  Its amazing.  But, I'll admit, my deep love for my DC41 is a sign I'm aging, Guys. 

Friday, February 28, 2014

People Suck!

"And you walk away with a great little story of a mess of dreamer with nerve to adore you."  Those lyrics sum up what still hurts. Because you know what? Any decent person would have apologized for being such a royal asshole.  I'm serious, here.  He knows he did damage.  He knows he's the exacerbated my illness.  Yet, he lacks the balls to take responsibility for his actions.  That pisses me off.  Don't get me wrong.  I dodged a bullet where he's concerned. Let's face it, I've had a licensed professional tell me he's toxic.  And he is.  But I know that's not how He spins it.  No, not at all.  He's got that great little story of the Girl Who Waited and the Girl Who Cried.  I hate that.  "Every smile you fake is so condescending counting all the scars you made.  And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through I've never been anywhere cold as you."

What Your Cat Really Thinks of You

Yes, this is one of my kitties, Zodiac.
According to British biologist John Bradshaw cats believe their owners to be other Big Dumb Cats.  Okay, okay, Bradshaw wasn't quite that harsh.  According to the biologist, the way cats greet their Humans (tails up/rubbing against our legs) is similar to how cats communicate with each other.  Bradshaw says:

"In cat society, this sequence is usually performed by a smaller cat towards a larger one -- a kitten or young cat towards its mother or an older relative, a female towards a male."


In other words, this is how cats treat their nonthreatening relatives.  Thus, you my fellow cat owners are a viewed by your pet as a Big Dumb Cat, unless of course your Kitty doesn't like you and then you should read this to protect yourself from a sudden and painful death.

Cold As You

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you



You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
(Died for you)

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Back to Sleep

Hum...that last post might have been a mistake.  I can't be sure.  I've always let everything show, and while I'd love to call that brave, I think it might be indiscreet.  In fact, I admitted in my very first post, back in January of 2012, that I never could keep my emotions at bay.  Whatever I am feeling comes spilling from my fingers onto the page.  At the moment, all I know is that going back to sleep is the best thing.  After a nice nap, I will forget about what I wrote, about what He thinks or doesn't, and about whether my therapist is right about Him being the fast track to Relapse City.

White Blank Page and Sentimental Heart Revisited


Because these lyrics still means something: "A white blank page and its swelling with rage.  You did not think when you sent me to the brink.  You desired my attention but denied my affection." Sorry is the least You should have been.


But so do these...

Re: It should be noted that fact I can listen to Mumford and Sons again without dissolving into a heap on the floor is a step forward. 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Just Want to Wear Pants


"You know, I have my whole life to save the planet, but right now I'm, I'm kind of really excited to wear pants again." ~Marshall Erikson  Ain't it the truth.  Really, Guys, this whole unemployment thing is killing me.  No seriously, I sit around half naked all the time.  Sleep till 2pm.  Eat breakfast at 4.  Whatever.  There isn't much of a point to life at the moment.  The only thing I do consistently is apply for more jobs.  Here are some hard fast numbers to prove my pont: I've applied for at least 500 to 700 positions.  Now keep in mind, all those jobs pay at least thirty-five to forty thousand a year so its not like I'm getting rejected by Kohls but still.  You'd think I'd have something by now.  In fact, I've even applied to the University of Kentucky 134 times.  I feel that I should get points for the sheer determination.  This week I finally got a phone interview with Calvin College in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  It seemed to go well.  I talked on speaker phone for 30 minutes, but you never know.   Who knows how long this whole unemployment thing will last. I mean, People, I need a reason to stop sitting around nude.  Like Marshall, I'll be exited just to wear pants (and makeup) again.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Evil You Know

The stress and boredom associated with joblessness has begun to set in.  I'm not sure why, but this past month has been the worst.  Each day, after 5pm, when its clear there is no longer a chance of prospective employers calling, I want to fall asleep because let's face it there's nothing to do but wait. And I'll admit it.  I've spent an absurd amount of time sleeping lately. Due to that fact, I saw my psychologist this past Friday, and what she had to say was surprising.  Rather than scold me for my general sleepiness she said what I am experiencing is quite common.  The job search is rough on anyone, not just bipolar people.  Then she issued an out of the blue warning: There is one thing, she said, that could derail you right now and its Him.  Its so easy to fall into old habits during times of stress because the evil you know seems better than the unknown.  He's a sure fire recipe, she reiterated, for a terrible relapse.  Now, the funny thing is I have no desire to talk to Him.  My life has been infinitely better minus Him.  But, there is nothing like having your health provider lay all the cards on the table.  He equals another episode.  Stay away from the evil you know.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Set Yourself on Fire

"Stop setting yourself on fire for someone who stays to watch you burn."  That is the most clear, concise, and accurate description of what happened between me and Him that I have ever read.  Its not that He failed to care.  Its that He got a kick out of watching me hurt.  There is a special place in Hell reserve for Him and people like him.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Oh So Freaking Fabulous: Lipinski and Weir

Finally, Yours Truly has a new reason to watch figure skating.  You see, back in the day, when there was Nancy Kerrigan, Tonya Harding, and Kristi Yamaguchi this Cutting Edge Wannabe gobbled up every bit of figure skating news she could get her grubby little hands on.  As a part time, at home, sock skater (whose career ended early when an attempt at a triple loop landed her face first on a hard wood floor) I was the sort of child who sycophantically watched the likes of Kristi Yamaguchi and then locked herself in her room in hopes of perfecting skating maneuvers.  But like most childhood fantasies, my love of the sport eventually dwindled  Yep, after the Kwan and Lipinski years, I grew up, fell away from the sport, and haven't looked back since, until now. Why, you ask?  What caused this sudden change of heart?  The commentating.  NBC's prime time announcers Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir have provided snappy commentary along with outrageous color coordinated wardrobes throughout the Sochi Games.  They're videos (yes they have videos) are fun to watch and their commentary is easy to listen to.  Because here's the thing, Guys: Nothing beats hearing the pros call their fellow athletes "reality tv stars" who provide all the drama of Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian while still participating in a sport.  Let's face it.  Its sick but we all love it when the skaters fall, and so do Lipinski and Weir.  In fact, this dynamic duo has quickly become so popular that some fans are calling for long time commentators Sandra Bezic (choreographer) and Scott Hamilton (1984 Olympic Champion) to retire and let their younger counterparts take the lead.  

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Life For Now


And the Oscar Goes to...

Tonight, David O. Russell's muse, Jennifer Lawrence beat out Lupita Nyong'o (and Oprah Winfrey, Julia Roberts and Sallie Hawkins a well though none were seen as strong contenders) for the 2014 Bafta for Best Supporting Actress thereby making the Oscar race even tighter, as last month Lupita Nyong'o took home the SAG award while Lawrence bagged the Golden Globe.  Who will win?  My prediction: Lupita.  While I love Lawrence, she won the Oscar for Best Actress last year and I somehow doubt the Academy will name her twice.  She's not Meryl Streep...yet, who, by the way, should lose this year to Cate Blanchett, star of Woody Allen's Blue Jasmine.

Curse Facebook

I quit Facebook in January of 2012.  It is now February 2014, over TWO YEARS later, and no matter how many times I relegate all Facebooking messages to my Spam folder they keep coming, like clockwork, one every other day.  Damn you, Facebook, and your Stalker tendencies.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Limbo

Well, I've made it to mid-February.  I'm not sure what that means. Is there some sort of medal for making it a month and a half into the new year?  Doubt it. What's odd about this particular February is that while I become more cavalier in my job hunt living options, I've simultaneously become more cautious in my relationships.  Right now, I refuse to see anyone because I'm leaving South Bend.  Why bother?  Right?  Right.  And then, of course, after I move, I'll need a few months to adjust to a new space.  That's just common sense.  Can't have too many irons in the fire.  And then what if I need a dog? (A Great Pyrenees because little dogs suck.  That's not completely fair but then again His Awfulness's Hippo posted pictures of herself cramming a small dog down her bra so I've been scarred, People.  That's gotta be animal abuse.  I should have known then and there if he could go for that we'd never work.  I still shudder at the thought...and my friend Adam has never quite forgiven me for showing him the image)  The truth is I'm still hurt.  Still scarred.  Because you know what?  I picked what I believed to be the safest fish in the sea...of course, I was mentally ill at the time, later reflections and advise would suggest otherwise, and still got majorly burned.  I think I could deal with it all a little better if Mr. Insecurity would have ever bothered to show a little remorse.  Be a human.  Say: "Hey, I didn't handle this well.  I'm sorry you got hurt."  But even my therapist has said he's got the maturity level of a ten year old so I'm not holding my breathe.  I've just got to ride out whatever damage was done.  Cry when I need to and hope that at some point neither him nor his animal abusing weirdo cross my mind again.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Me and the Darkness

So I didn't get the job with Kentucky Utilities.  No reason.  No explanation.  I passed the required tests.  Just: "We regret to inform you we went with another candidate."  That's it.  I am in tears.  Nothing is working out the way I'd hoped and I'm exhausted.  I cannot hope for much more.  I need a hand to hold, but, right now, there's just me and the darkness.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Riding Out the Night

It's late and I'm on edge.  My nerves are raw.  What's strange isn't that I'm upset.  If nothing else, the past two years suggests that upset is a fairly normal state for me.  No what's odd is that nothing is wrong.  Yet, I'm antsy.  There's no help for it, I suppose.  Its just one of the side effects that comes with being me.  I've taken two long hot showers (because the first one warmed me up but failed to relax me), popped a couple clonopin, and now I ride out the night.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Can't wait.

A watched pot never boils and my phone refuses to ring.  Okay, yes, I just finished testing for a potential job yesterday.  And yes, I received notice this morning that I was recommended to go on in the hiring process.  And sure, I did just finish my personality assessment at 11am today.  But I need to KNOW whether I am moving to Lexington NOW.  I cannot wait any longer.  I will explode, ask anyone who knows me.  Its true.  Jennis explode on a regular basis.  I'm on the brink, Folks.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Sleepless in Greensburg

Tonight's wintery shit-fest of a snowstorm forced me off the road and into a hotel in Greensburg, Indiana, a little hole in the earth I hope never to see again.  Now, here I am suffering from another sleepless night.  At this point, its 5a.m., I've consumed more trash tv than I'm proud to admit and I'm just waiting for Hampton Inn's continental breakfast to be served at six...or to die, whichever comes first.  Cause what else is there?  Honestly, I don't know the answer to that question, but whatever it is I shall face it all with resolute determination and a stiff upper lip (I'm a liar.  You'll find me curled up in a corner in the fetal position).  In all honesty, I think the weather freaking me out.  I've checked the AccuWeather Forecast about a hundred times tonight.  Now, normally, I face winter storms like a trooper, by which I mean I refuse to prepare (seven years of lake effect snow will do that to you), but, tonight/this morning, I'm uneasy.  I have a job interview in Lexington to get to and suddenly the roads seem dangerous, like everything else in my life. I'm not sure there's a point to this post other than stating that at the moment everything feels scary and I really need some sleep.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Sleep or a Lack Thereof

"The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to."  (~F. Scott Fitzgerald)  My days and nights are mixed up.  I hate when that happens.  What makes it worse is that I'm a little anxious all the time.  The prospect of a possible job has me all a flutter which is often a good thing, but not in the evenings.  First, I considered Xanax but, thought better of it.  I'm not upset, you see.  No brown paper bags in my future.  No tears.  Just a slight buzz of anxiety.  Maybe I should drink?  Drinking might help.  I've got rum, tequila, and a frozen Mike's Hard Lemonade in the pantry.  I dunno.  Until I get this whole job situation sorted out, and by that I mean, until I leave South Bend, I think I'm going to just accept the anxiety.  Go with it.  And drink.  I'm definitely going to drink.  Cheers!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Job Potentiality

Sometimes, alright lots of times, I get my cart before the horse.  Like today for instance, I received notification that I should come to Lexington next week to test for a potential job.  Most normal people, people with their feet planted firmly on the ground, would be happy, but reserved.  That's not me.  I am a high maintenance flippy dippy brunette who happens to be over the moon by my potential employment. In real terms, this mean that I have already picked out three apartments one of which is in a historic downtown building.  Its so pretty, Guys.  Original hardwood floors, halogen lighting.  I love it.  Of course all this hoping and dreaming leads to a sticky situation because I haven't got the job yet and, at this point, if I don't get it, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Not Hell, Just Life

You know what? Starting a new weblog has been difficult, but not for the reasons I thought it would be.  If you'd have asked me two months ago what the hard part of burying the blog would be, I'd have set letting go of the past. But its not.  The truth: I could not think of less of Him or whatever emotions started this weblog.  As my brother like to remind me, my yearnings were born out of extreme illness and faded as that agonizing episode passed.  So why can't I start something new?  Well, I think its because my life is currently in limbo.

So much of who we are involves our careers and where we live.  At the moment, I'm in the midst of a school search and a job hunt.  Two years ago, I'd have told you I wanted to live where He is at.  That's no longer the case.  In fact, I purposefully gave up an opportunity because I cannot co-exist with him.  No, now I want Lexington.  (And if you read this Buddy, FYI, my friends live there and its mine now.  Just steer clear.  I gave you most of Indiana.  Stay out Kentucky.  No wants you there anyway.  I already put my stamp on it with an online teaching position there.)  See that's the thing.  Right now, I have little to no information to go on here. Some school applications are in but others aren't due until March.  I've no idea where exactly I'll be or what I'll be doing.  I'm fairly certain I will be in Lexington, but I'm not there yet.  I don't get to boardgame night with my friends right now.  Now, is waiting, hoping, and praying.  But when it all feels like too much I remind myself that I waited and hoped and prayed for harder things than this.  And what I feel now is nothing compared to the agony I was in.  At least this is grounded.  Its real.  It isn't some commitment phobic forty odd year old man who needs an ego boost.  Its the every day stuff people go through.  Its not hell.  Its just life. 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Blue Jasmine: Bad Thoughts


"Ginger, I get really bad thoughts when I'm alone."  Normally, that isn't entirely true anymore.  For the most part, I've put aside the once devastating idea of Him.  I cannot compete with Vulgar and Crass.  Like Jasmine, for better or for worse, I'm a Lady.  If He wishes to slop around in the Mud so be it.  More power to Him.  But every once in awhile the sheer absurdity of what happened hits me hard, like a slap across the face.  In those moments, I feel numb, and, often times, like tonight, I let the hot water from my shower pour over me and remind myself, its one uncomfortable passing thought.  Just take some Xanax and a little bit of sleep and He'll go away.  He's a bad thought when I'm alone.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Fresh, Alive, and All My Own

I still exist somewhere in between well and raw.  Can you be both at the same time?  I'm not sure.  I know He finally removed me from his weblog.  That was a raw feeling.  Of course, I beat him to that months ago so while it stung for a reason I cannot explain, it wasn't devastating.   That's a well one.  My friends speculate he liked the attention so much that he left the link to gawk and stare in wonder of his own ass hattery, a sick pride in what he'd managed to do.  But you know what?  Despite the sting, I'm thankful He took it down.  His clicks on my blog were my last links to Him.  And you know what that means?  Within the next month this blog will come down and something new will be born.  I don't know what will be is yet.  But something that has nothing to do with the hurt He dealt.  Something that wasn't my way of talking to, pleading with, and then yelling at him.  Something fresh, alive, and all my own.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

TLC: Hoards, Sister Wives, and Fashion Statement

TLC is on Netflix!  And you know what that means?! Yours Truly now has the chance to see Sister Wives, What Not to Wear...and...wait for it...Hoarding: Buried Alive.  All my favorites.  Why?  Well, because, in my opinion, TLC is a channel devoted to the concept of making viewers feel better about their own shit by filming people who are crazier than they are.  I'll admit it.  After a Bad Bipolar day, I love nothing more than watching people hoard trash or become the eighth wife of a chauvinistic pig.  I revel in it.  I dunno why, but I feel better afterwards.  I shouldn't but I do.  I confess.  To err is human.  Now back to Hoarders!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Here at the Overlook

"Wendy? Darling? Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in." It is negative eleven degrees in South Bend and I haven't been to Starbucks in days.  The Snow Cat doesn't seem to be working.  The Walls are Closing in.  Not cool, Kids.  Not cool.  The spooky silence of this Icy Tundra has left me half madEach night, I chase my cats around the apartment like a Crazy Person, hollaring "Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in. Not by the hair of your chiny-chin-chin? Well then I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in."  Its really wonder that they will come anywhere near me at this point.  <Sigh> All work and no Starbucks makes Jenni a Dull Girl.