Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Job Potentiality

Sometimes, alright lots of times, I get my cart before the horse.  Like today for instance, I received notification that I should come to Lexington next week to test for a potential job.  Most normal people, people with their feet planted firmly on the ground, would be happy, but reserved.  That's not me.  I am a high maintenance flippy dippy brunette who happens to be over the moon by my potential employment. In real terms, this mean that I have already picked out three apartments one of which is in a historic downtown building.  Its so pretty, Guys.  Original hardwood floors, halogen lighting.  I love it.  Of course all this hoping and dreaming leads to a sticky situation because I haven't got the job yet and, at this point, if I don't get it, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Not Hell, Just Life

You know what? Starting a new weblog has been difficult, but not for the reasons I thought it would be.  If you'd have asked me two months ago what the hard part of burying the blog would be, I'd have set letting go of the past. But its not.  The truth: I could not think of less of Him or whatever emotions started this weblog.  As my brother like to remind me, my yearnings were born out of extreme illness and faded as that agonizing episode passed.  So why can't I start something new?  Well, I think its because my life is currently in limbo.

So much of who we are involves our careers and where we live.  At the moment, I'm in the midst of a school search and a job hunt.  Two years ago, I'd have told you I wanted to live where He is at.  That's no longer the case.  In fact, I purposefully gave up an opportunity because I cannot co-exist with him.  No, now I want Lexington.  (And if you read this Buddy, FYI, my friends live there and its mine now.  Just steer clear.  I gave you most of Indiana.  Stay out Kentucky.  No wants you there anyway.  I already put my stamp on it with an online teaching position there.)  See that's the thing.  Right now, I have little to no information to go on here. Some school applications are in but others aren't due until March.  I've no idea where exactly I'll be or what I'll be doing.  I'm fairly certain I will be in Lexington, but I'm not there yet.  I don't get to boardgame night with my friends right now.  Now, is waiting, hoping, and praying.  But when it all feels like too much I remind myself that I waited and hoped and prayed for harder things than this.  And what I feel now is nothing compared to the agony I was in.  At least this is grounded.  Its real.  It isn't some commitment phobic forty odd year old man who needs an ego boost.  Its the every day stuff people go through.  Its not hell.  Its just life. 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Blue Jasmine: Bad Thoughts


"Ginger, I get really bad thoughts when I'm alone."  Normally, that isn't entirely true anymore.  For the most part, I've put aside the once devastating idea of Him.  I cannot compete with Vulgar and Crass.  Like Jasmine, for better or for worse, I'm a Lady.  If He wishes to slop around in the Mud so be it.  More power to Him.  But every once in awhile the sheer absurdity of what happened hits me hard, like a slap across the face.  In those moments, I feel numb, and, often times, like tonight, I let the hot water from my shower pour over me and remind myself, its one uncomfortable passing thought.  Just take some Xanax and a little bit of sleep and He'll go away.  He's a bad thought when I'm alone.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Fresh, Alive, and All My Own

I still exist somewhere in between well and raw.  Can you be both at the same time?  I'm not sure.  I know He finally removed me from his weblog.  That was a raw feeling.  Of course, I beat him to that months ago so while it stung for a reason I cannot explain, it wasn't devastating.   That's a well one.  My friends speculate he liked the attention so much that he left the link to gawk and stare in wonder of his own ass hattery, a sick pride in what he'd managed to do.  But you know what?  Despite the sting, I'm thankful He took it down.  His clicks on my blog were my last links to Him.  And you know what that means?  Within the next month this blog will come down and something new will be born.  I don't know what will be is yet.  But something that has nothing to do with the hurt He dealt.  Something that wasn't my way of talking to, pleading with, and then yelling at him.  Something fresh, alive, and all my own.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

TLC: Hoards, Sister Wives, and Fashion Statement

TLC is on Netflix!  And you know what that means?! Yours Truly now has the chance to see Sister Wives, What Not to Wear...and...wait for it...Hoarding: Buried Alive.  All my favorites.  Why?  Well, because, in my opinion, TLC is a channel devoted to the concept of making viewers feel better about their own shit by filming people who are crazier than they are.  I'll admit it.  After a Bad Bipolar day, I love nothing more than watching people hoard trash or become the eighth wife of a chauvinistic pig.  I revel in it.  I dunno why, but I feel better afterwards.  I shouldn't but I do.  I confess.  To err is human.  Now back to Hoarders!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Here at the Overlook

"Wendy? Darling? Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in." It is negative eleven degrees in South Bend and I haven't been to Starbucks in days.  The Snow Cat doesn't seem to be working.  The Walls are Closing in.  Not cool, Kids.  Not cool.  The spooky silence of this Icy Tundra has left me half madEach night, I chase my cats around the apartment like a Crazy Person, hollaring "Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in. Not by the hair of your chiny-chin-chin? Well then I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in."  Its really wonder that they will come anywhere near me at this point.  <Sigh> All work and no Starbucks makes Jenni a Dull Girl.