Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Not Hell, Just Life

You know what? Starting a new weblog has been difficult, but not for the reasons I thought it would be.  If you'd have asked me two months ago what the hard part of burying the blog would be, I'd have set letting go of the past. But its not.  The truth: I could not think of less of Him or whatever emotions started this weblog.  As my brother like to remind me, my yearnings were born out of extreme illness and faded as that agonizing episode passed.  So why can't I start something new?  Well, I think its because my life is currently in limbo.

So much of who we are involves our careers and where we live.  At the moment, I'm in the midst of a school search and a job hunt.  Two years ago, I'd have told you I wanted to live where He is at.  That's no longer the case.  In fact, I purposefully gave up an opportunity because I cannot co-exist with him.  No, now I want Lexington.  (And if you read this Buddy, FYI, my friends live there and its mine now.  Just steer clear.  I gave you most of Indiana.  Stay out Kentucky.  No wants you there anyway.  I already put my stamp on it with an online teaching position there.)  See that's the thing.  Right now, I have little to no information to go on here. Some school applications are in but others aren't due until March.  I've no idea where exactly I'll be or what I'll be doing.  I'm fairly certain I will be in Lexington, but I'm not there yet.  I don't get to boardgame night with my friends right now.  Now, is waiting, hoping, and praying.  But when it all feels like too much I remind myself that I waited and hoped and prayed for harder things than this.  And what I feel now is nothing compared to the agony I was in.  At least this is grounded.  Its real.  It isn't some commitment phobic forty odd year old man who needs an ego boost.  Its the every day stuff people go through.  Its not hell.  Its just life. 

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