Friday, February 28, 2014

People Suck!

"And you walk away with a great little story of a mess of dreamer with nerve to adore you."  Those lyrics sum up what still hurts. Because you know what? Any decent person would have apologized for being such a royal asshole.  I'm serious, here.  He knows he did damage.  He knows he's the exacerbated my illness.  Yet, he lacks the balls to take responsibility for his actions.  That pisses me off.  Don't get me wrong.  I dodged a bullet where he's concerned. Let's face it, I've had a licensed professional tell me he's toxic.  And he is.  But I know that's not how He spins it.  No, not at all.  He's got that great little story of the Girl Who Waited and the Girl Who Cried.  I hate that.  "Every smile you fake is so condescending counting all the scars you made.  And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through I've never been anywhere cold as you."

What Your Cat Really Thinks of You

Yes, this is one of my kitties, Zodiac.
According to British biologist John Bradshaw cats believe their owners to be other Big Dumb Cats.  Okay, okay, Bradshaw wasn't quite that harsh.  According to the biologist, the way cats greet their Humans (tails up/rubbing against our legs) is similar to how cats communicate with each other.  Bradshaw says:

"In cat society, this sequence is usually performed by a smaller cat towards a larger one -- a kitten or young cat towards its mother or an older relative, a female towards a male."

In other words, this is how cats treat their nonthreatening relatives.  Thus, you my fellow cat owners are a viewed by your pet as a Big Dumb Cat, unless of course your Kitty doesn't like you and then you should read this to protect yourself from a sudden and painful death.

Cold As You

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you
(Died for you)

Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Back to Sleep

Hum...that last post might have been a mistake.  I can't be sure.  I've always let everything show, and while I'd love to call that brave, I think it might be indiscreet.  In fact, I admitted in my very first post, back in January of 2012, that I never could keep my emotions at bay.  Whatever I am feeling comes spilling from my fingers onto the page.  At the moment, all I know is that going back to sleep is the best thing.  After a nice nap, I will forget about what I wrote, about what He thinks or doesn't, and about whether my therapist is right about Him being the fast track to Relapse City.

White Blank Page and Sentimental Heart Revisited

Because these lyrics still means something: "A white blank page and its swelling with rage.  You did not think when you sent me to the brink.  You desired my attention but denied my affection." Sorry is the least You should have been.

But so do these...

Re: It should be noted that fact I can listen to Mumford and Sons again without dissolving into a heap on the floor is a step forward. 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Just Want to Wear Pants

"You know, I have my whole life to save the planet, but right now I'm, I'm kind of really excited to wear pants again." ~Marshall Erikson  Ain't it the truth.  Really, Guys, this whole unemployment thing is killing me.  No seriously, I sit around half naked all the time.  Sleep till 2pm.  Eat breakfast at 4.  Whatever.  There isn't much of a point to life at the moment.  The only thing I do consistently is apply for more jobs.  Here are some hard fast numbers to prove my pont: I've applied for at least 500 to 700 positions.  Now keep in mind, all those jobs pay at least thirty-five to forty thousand a year so its not like I'm getting rejected by Kohls but still.  You'd think I'd have something by now.  In fact, I've even applied to the University of Kentucky 134 times.  I feel that I should get points for the sheer determination.  This week I finally got a phone interview with Calvin College in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  It seemed to go well.  I talked on speaker phone for 30 minutes, but you never know.   Who knows how long this whole unemployment thing will last. I mean, People, I need a reason to stop sitting around nude.  Like Marshall, I'll be exited just to wear pants (and makeup) again.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Evil You Know

The stress and boredom associated with joblessness has begun to set in.  I'm not sure why, but this past month has been the worst.  Each day, after 5pm, when its clear there is no longer a chance of prospective employers calling, I want to fall asleep because let's face it there's nothing to do but wait. And I'll admit it.  I've spent an absurd amount of time sleeping lately. Due to that fact, I saw my psychologist this past Friday, and what she had to say was surprising.  Rather than scold me for my general sleepiness she said what I am experiencing is quite common.  The job search is rough on anyone, not just bipolar people.  Then she issued an out of the blue warning: There is one thing, she said, that could derail you right now and its Him.  Its so easy to fall into old habits during times of stress because the evil you know seems better than the unknown.  He's a sure fire recipe, she reiterated, for a terrible relapse.  Now, the funny thing is I have no desire to talk to Him.  My life has been infinitely better minus Him.  But, there is nothing like having your health provider lay all the cards on the table.  He equals another episode.  Stay away from the evil you know.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Set Yourself on Fire

"Stop setting yourself on fire for someone who stays to watch you burn."  That is the most clear, concise, and accurate description of what happened between me and Him that I have ever read.  Its not that He failed to care.  Its that He got a kick out of watching me hurt.  There is a special place in Hell reserve for Him and people like him.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Oh So Freaking Fabulous: Lipinski and Weir

Finally, Yours Truly has a new reason to watch figure skating.  You see, back in the day, when there was Nancy Kerrigan, Tonya Harding, and Kristi Yamaguchi this Cutting Edge Wannabe gobbled up every bit of figure skating news she could get her grubby little hands on.  As a part time, at home, sock skater (whose career ended early when an attempt at a triple loop landed her face first on a hard wood floor) I was the sort of child who sycophantically watched the likes of Kristi Yamaguchi and then locked herself in her room in hopes of perfecting skating maneuvers.  But like most childhood fantasies, my love of the sport eventually dwindled  Yep, after the Kwan and Lipinski years, I grew up, fell away from the sport, and haven't looked back since, until now. Why, you ask?  What caused this sudden change of heart?  The commentating.  NBC's prime time announcers Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir have provided snappy commentary along with outrageous color coordinated wardrobes throughout the Sochi Games.  They're videos (yes they have videos) are fun to watch and their commentary is easy to listen to.  Because here's the thing, Guys: Nothing beats hearing the pros call their fellow athletes "reality tv stars" who provide all the drama of Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian while still participating in a sport.  Let's face it.  Its sick but we all love it when the skaters fall, and so do Lipinski and Weir.  In fact, this dynamic duo has quickly become so popular that some fans are calling for long time commentators Sandra Bezic (choreographer) and Scott Hamilton (1984 Olympic Champion) to retire and let their younger counterparts take the lead.  

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Life For Now

And the Oscar Goes to...

Tonight, David O. Russell's muse, Jennifer Lawrence beat out Lupita Nyong'o (and Oprah Winfrey, Julia Roberts and Sallie Hawkins a well though none were seen as strong contenders) for the 2014 Bafta for Best Supporting Actress thereby making the Oscar race even tighter, as last month Lupita Nyong'o took home the SAG award while Lawrence bagged the Golden Globe.  Who will win?  My prediction: Lupita.  While I love Lawrence, she won the Oscar for Best Actress last year and I somehow doubt the Academy will name her twice.  She's not Meryl Streep...yet, who, by the way, should lose this year to Cate Blanchett, star of Woody Allen's Blue Jasmine.

Curse Facebook

I quit Facebook in January of 2012.  It is now February 2014, over TWO YEARS later, and no matter how many times I relegate all Facebooking messages to my Spam folder they keep coming, like clockwork, one every other day.  Damn you, Facebook, and your Stalker tendencies.

Saturday, February 15, 2014


Well, I've made it to mid-February.  I'm not sure what that means. Is there some sort of medal for making it a month and a half into the new year?  Doubt it. What's odd about this particular February is that while I become more cavalier in my job hunt living options, I've simultaneously become more cautious in my relationships.  Right now, I refuse to see anyone because I'm leaving South Bend.  Why bother?  Right?  Right.  And then, of course, after I move, I'll need a few months to adjust to a new space.  That's just common sense.  Can't have too many irons in the fire.  And then what if I need a dog? (A Great Pyrenees because little dogs suck.  That's not completely fair but then again His Awfulness's Hippo posted pictures of herself cramming a small dog down her bra so I've been scarred, People.  That's gotta be animal abuse.  I should have known then and there if he could go for that we'd never work.  I still shudder at the thought...and my friend Adam has never quite forgiven me for showing him the image)  The truth is I'm still hurt.  Still scarred.  Because you know what?  I picked what I believed to be the safest fish in the sea...of course, I was mentally ill at the time, later reflections and advise would suggest otherwise, and still got majorly burned.  I think I could deal with it all a little better if Mr. Insecurity would have ever bothered to show a little remorse.  Be a human.  Say: "Hey, I didn't handle this well.  I'm sorry you got hurt."  But even my therapist has said he's got the maturity level of a ten year old so I'm not holding my breathe.  I've just got to ride out whatever damage was done.  Cry when I need to and hope that at some point neither him nor his animal abusing weirdo cross my mind again.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Me and the Darkness

So I didn't get the job with Kentucky Utilities.  No reason.  No explanation.  I passed the required tests.  Just: "We regret to inform you we went with another candidate."  That's it.  I am in tears.  Nothing is working out the way I'd hoped and I'm exhausted.  I cannot hope for much more.  I need a hand to hold, but, right now, there's just me and the darkness.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Riding Out the Night

It's late and I'm on edge.  My nerves are raw.  What's strange isn't that I'm upset.  If nothing else, the past two years suggests that upset is a fairly normal state for me.  No what's odd is that nothing is wrong.  Yet, I'm antsy.  There's no help for it, I suppose.  Its just one of the side effects that comes with being me.  I've taken two long hot showers (because the first one warmed me up but failed to relax me), popped a couple clonopin, and now I ride out the night.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Can't wait.

A watched pot never boils and my phone refuses to ring.  Okay, yes, I just finished testing for a potential job yesterday.  And yes, I received notice this morning that I was recommended to go on in the hiring process.  And sure, I did just finish my personality assessment at 11am today.  But I need to KNOW whether I am moving to Lexington NOW.  I cannot wait any longer.  I will explode, ask anyone who knows me.  Its true.  Jennis explode on a regular basis.  I'm on the brink, Folks.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Sleepless in Greensburg

Tonight's wintery shit-fest of a snowstorm forced me off the road and into a hotel in Greensburg, Indiana, a little hole in the earth I hope never to see again.  Now, here I am suffering from another sleepless night.  At this point, its 5a.m., I've consumed more trash tv than I'm proud to admit and I'm just waiting for Hampton Inn's continental breakfast to be served at six...or to die, whichever comes first.  Cause what else is there?  Honestly, I don't know the answer to that question, but whatever it is I shall face it all with resolute determination and a stiff upper lip (I'm a liar.  You'll find me curled up in a corner in the fetal position).  In all honesty, I think the weather freaking me out.  I've checked the AccuWeather Forecast about a hundred times tonight.  Now, normally, I face winter storms like a trooper, by which I mean I refuse to prepare (seven years of lake effect snow will do that to you), but, tonight/this morning, I'm uneasy.  I have a job interview in Lexington to get to and suddenly the roads seem dangerous, like everything else in my life. I'm not sure there's a point to this post other than stating that at the moment everything feels scary and I really need some sleep.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Sleep or a Lack Thereof

"The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to."  (~F. Scott Fitzgerald)  My days and nights are mixed up.  I hate when that happens.  What makes it worse is that I'm a little anxious all the time.  The prospect of a possible job has me all a flutter which is often a good thing, but not in the evenings.  First, I considered Xanax but, thought better of it.  I'm not upset, you see.  No brown paper bags in my future.  No tears.  Just a slight buzz of anxiety.  Maybe I should drink?  Drinking might help.  I've got rum, tequila, and a frozen Mike's Hard Lemonade in the pantry.  I dunno.  Until I get this whole job situation sorted out, and by that I mean, until I leave South Bend, I think I'm going to just accept the anxiety.  Go with it.  And drink.  I'm definitely going to drink.  Cheers!