Sunday, March 30, 2014

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Sylvia Plath died in London, England on this day in 1963 (aged 30).

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

CW Looking Disdainful


Facebook is not as a exciting as I remember it.  Maybe its the two years of being sick.  Maybe its that I'm a little kinder and less snarky than I used to be.  Maybe its that I don't need everyone in my business, but its just a "thing" and all the posing that is going on is a little sad.  Oh, well.  Who knew?


Guess who is back on Facebook?   I AM!!!  How is that possible you ask?  Well, a friend of mine helped me block the two people who kept me from logging on.  That's right.  Its like they're dead.  I LOVE it.  As it is on Facebook, may it be on earth.  Whose excited?  I AM!!!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Busy Bee and Cat People

This would never happen to cat people!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Nick Hornby Is a Twat

I am sitting in Better World Books picking out reading material for myself and reveling in the fact that I don't have to pretend anymore.  No more acting like I think everything someone else does is interesting.  Guess what?  I think Nick Hornby is a tremendous twat and a chauvinistic pig.  And I LOVE China Mievielle.  Also, anyone who rates Perdido Street Station less than four stars is a moron.  Furthermore, if you have to add children's books to your Goodreads account you possess the fine tuned intelligence of a baboon.  My decisions are now all my own and I could not care less what anyone thinks.  I have rediscovered myself and I am finding I like me just as I am.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Fuck You!

Because, dammit, saying FUCK YOU ASSHOLE feels so freaking good.

You Simply Are

The anxiety is finally passing.  Its taken twenty four hours, but my breathing has begun to even out.  Thoughts and images that caused me such anguish yesterday now flit through my mind's eye with ease.  Its going to be okay.  Sometimes I forget that Facebook is nothing more than a pissing contest.  People post photos of who they want to be.  Not who they are.  In response, their "friends" like those images in an effort to validate this false existence.  Hard truth is that if you are really happy and fulfilled you don't need facebook's validation nor do you have anything to prove by posting a photograph to imply your happiness.  There is no need for a social media persona because you simply are.

PS: As a side note, sibling rivalry out to end before ya hit forty.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Top Ten Signs I Need Xanax

1.) Altered/Irregular Breathing

2.) Tears

3.) Overwhelming Feelings of Sadness and Despair

4.) A Sense of Worthlessness

5.) Fear of Reading (Something in a Book Might Further Upset Me)

6.) Need to Post Repeatedly on My Blog

7.) Thoughts of Death as Peace

8.) Fear of the Future

9.) A Desire to Stare at Photographs That I Know Will Induce Waterworks

10.) Intense Hurting Over Something/Someone Who Isn't Worth My Time

Need Relief

I am always thankful for my anxiety medication, always.  But here's the thing: Right now am I somewhere in between crying, hyperventilating, and crawling out of my skin.  Dammit I wish the drugs would worked faster.  In fact, this post is little more than a distraction, an attempt to kill some time.  I need relief.  Dear God, please give me the relief I need.

Letting It Go

Hard Night but I'm Keeping my Commitment to my Therapist and God to "Let It Go".  And on that note (but definitely Xanax tonight!):

Also Gotta Keep This in Mind: "The funny thing was, whenever I looked at those pictures--all the time I was at the hospital and everything--all I could ever see was this poor, sensitive, vulnerable boy...someone vulnerable like me.  That's who I kept waiting for to show up.  I just had this incredible blind spot.  I was like Helen Keller when it came to you." ~She's Come Undone

Happy Little Trees

This is what I'm praying for Guys.  Happy Little Trees and No More Nightmares.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Xanax or Not?

Question of the Night: Do I take Xanax or Not?  Here's the thing.  I have been productive today.  No seriously, I have:

*Mailed Sympathy Cards

*Bought Milk and Cereal 
*Walked an Annoying, Yippie Dog
*Went for Another Walk at the Park
*Ate Lunch Out
*Visited with a Friend
*Made Plans for Tomorrow
*Spent at Least Two Hours on the Phone
*Washed Three Loads of Laundry
*Folded Said Laundry
*Loaded the Dishwasher
*Scooped the Cat Litter
*Took Out the Trash
*Vacuumed the Apartment
*Emptied the my Dyson Animal
*Cleaned the Toilet (Company is Coming)
*And Finally, Enjoyed a Long Hot Shower

By all accounts I should be tired, but I feel on edge, like something is lurking around the edges of my mind.  Not sure what, but something terrible.  I hate the uneasiness, and I'm still left with the question: To take the Xanax or not?

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

She's Come Undone (Or Has She?)

"The funny thing was, whenever I looked at those pictures--all the time I was at the hospital and everything--all I could ever see was this poor, sensitive, vulnerable boy...someone vulnerable like me.  That's who I kept waiting for to show up.  I just had this incredible blind spot.  I was like Helen Keller when it came to you." ~She's Come Undone

In a work of fiction, Wally Lamb recorded my experience so poignantly that as I read tears of relief splashed down my face.  Lamb put into words emotions and realizations that I have struggled to verbalize for over two years.  I want send this author a letter of gratitude for the gift of freedom.  I know myself and I finally see Dante for who he is.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Goodbye Heartache?

A funny thing is happening.  Each day, I get a little closer to deleting this weblog.  You'd think ridding myself of the past would be easy but its not.  There's this part of me that cannot quite let go of the memory of those two painful years.  Maybe its natural.  Perhaps its easier to cling to the evil you know than wander into uncharted territory.  To step into a new day, free, unshackled from the baggage you so tenderly carried for so long. That's the scary part, you know, letting go of that baggage.  In fact, each day, I still have to make a conscious effort to focus on the here and now, whether that's applying for jobs, working out, or reading a book, rather than losing myself in the past, picking up the memories, questions, and anxieties that still haunt me.  Because while my life has ceased to be a "Good Morning Heartache," I still wonder when the phantom pains will finally end.

Billie Holiday singing "Good Morning Heartache"

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Lady Dinah's Cat Emporium

Far left is CW and beside him is Zodiac when she was a baby.
Following a Japanese trend that began nearly a decade ago, Australian Lauren Pears has just opened London's first kitty cafe, Lady Dinah's Cat Emporium.  For a price (early bird specials ran around 120 pounds), people can come, hang out with the kitties, and enjoy a snack.  Sounds fun, right?  Well, if you want to know the truth, I have mixed feelings when it comes to these type of establishments.  On the one hand, a Feline Emporium is a neat way to rescue ten to eleven cats at a time and see that they get the attention they deserve (if the place is run well).  On the other, its seems cruel to charge someone to play with a rescued cat especially considering who the individuals most likely to use such an establishment are often in most need of a little cat therapy.  For example, one Phd student in London admitted she was suffering from depression and hoped her VIP membership to Lady Dinah's would speed along the healing process.  Or take me for instance, I bought my two cats CW (half Himalayan, half American Bobtail) and Zodiac (traditional Siamese) in the midst of bipolar episode, and my two super cute cats have brought me no small amount of comfort.  Its not that I dislike the idea of Lady Dinah's or that I think Pears' drawing a huge salary.  My issue stems more from my wish for the ideal.  A peaceful atmosphere where people could go for a little pet therapy with being charged (and yes, volunteering at your local shelter is a good idea but sometimes whether mentally or physically people are not up to doing that).

Saturday, March 8, 2014

I Don't Care For Losing...

Because You Are Precious in My Eyes

Isaiah 43:4-5: "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you."  These are the verses we prayed over at the Bible study retreat I attended this morning.  As we prayed, a funny thing happened to me.  I remembered how far God has brought in the last two years.  In January of 2012, I was severely suicidal, suffering from a broken heart, and in the midst of a bipolar episode.  By Spring of 2013, though the suicidal symptoms were dissipating, I was still being lead on, still aching, still cutting my arms, and still attending crisis counseling, along with my scheduled therapist sessions, on a regular basis.  Now, here we are March of 2014 and I haven't cut my arms in nearly a year.  The heartbreak is gone.  I am sane and whole.  There are still remnants of the past that hurt now and again, but those are mere twinges compared to the devastation that once wracked my entire body.  Throughout my darkest period, I had people praying for me on a daily basis and I know God brought me through.  Now, I'm facing different types of storms in my life, but this time around I choose to believe God is with me.   I may not know what the future holds but I believe the Lord will not forsake me.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Let it Go

In the dead of night things seem bleak.  No really.  Here's a for instance: take look at craigslist, any city's craigslist.  This is what you will find: Cat owners abandoning their pets (dog owners are doing the same thing but, then again, dogs suck, especially little yippie ones).  Its sad.  I feel badly for these dumped kitties and, yet, what can I do?  Nothing because I live in a nice apartment with two bonded, purebred felines and, let's be brutally honest, I like things the way they are.  I am sorry that kittens are being abandoned but I have no desire to mess up the delicate ecosystem that is my life. Its 3:00am and what moves me in my sleep deprived state will fail to stir up the same emotion in the light of day.  In fact, I realized that its only in my sleep-deprived/slightly bored moments that I take the time to blog about what a douche-bag He is.  Its a stress reaction. 

Unlike Tumblr, you Guys normally get posts in my weaker moments.  Honestly, when I'm in the sunlight, I remember who I am and who he is.  I am a well educated, attractive 31 year old with multiple degrees, and hopes of getting a job.  He is an impotent old man.  I'm not sure he was ever the fine pinot noir I thought him to be, but I'll be generous here, maybe he was fifteen years ago.  At this point, in wine terms, he's turned to vinegar.  Best you could do is scrub the floor with him. Time to Let It Go!

PS: I emailed my therapist tonight and made a commitment to never journal, post, or pray about Him ever again.  And when he crosses my mind, I'll blast Idina Menzel's LET IT GO until He goes away.  The cold never bothered me anyway!

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.


The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free


Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry


Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on


My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Dyson Animal

You know you're beginning to age when things like a new vacuum excites you the same way new bike would have twenty years ago.  That's right.  I purchased a Dyson Animal (DC41), Folks.  Oh, she's a beautiful thing to behold.  No, seriously, this magnificent piece of machinery is bag-less, has blow your mind suction, is easy to use, and comes with a FIVE YEAR WARRANTY (longest on the market).  I love it so much I vacuum once a day...sometimes twice a day because it pulls up everything.  Carpets that look clean still produce dirt.  Its amazing.  But, I'll admit, my deep love for my DC41 is a sign I'm aging, Guys.