Saturday, April 26, 2014

Boy Problems in World of Warcraft

Do you know what is wrong with World of Warcraft?  People (especially men) won't leave you alone.  Okay, yes, its an RPG but here's the deal, Guys.  I play WoW for Three Reasons

A.) I like to collect and wear new pretty clothes and swords.

B.) I enjoy killing things as long as I can look pretty while I do it and have either a fluffy pet or a demon (whichever) by my side.

C.) I've always wanted to ride a tiger and now I can.

Seriously, I just want these Needy Boys to go away.  Despite my inexperience, I don't need some Knight in Warlock Armor coming to try and help me.  Its off putting.  No, I don't want to chat.  No, I don't want to drink mead with you.  No, I definitely don't want to fuck.  Allow me to reiterate what I DO want is to collect things, wear pretty clothes, and ride tigers.  Boys (and Girls) if you want to chat, drink, or fuck go do it in real life.  Its much better that way.  And if you think you're to out of shape or backward to do any of those things then go workout or see a therapist.  I do both.

Friday, April 18, 2014


Okay, I gave in and read one of His weblog posts and now I kinda want to puke.  This man has got the audacity to mock a fictional character (from a pointless book he's been outlining in painful detail for over a year now) for being a "douche-bag" to women.  This is same man who once scolded me and insisted I return a library book "so other students can read it."  A.) No one liked your boring book, Dude.  I only read it as mean of flirting/showing a little interest.  Not exactly flying off the fucking shelf.  Get OVER yourself B.) Who the fuck did he think he was?  How demeaning is that?  "Everyone wants to read my book.  You should return it now."  Well, Fuck Face the University of Notre Dame disagrees (I never gave it back on precedent and no one ever missed it) and I'm pretty sure every other University in the US would concur.  No one is gonna pick up your stupid waste of paper as classroom reading material.  I wish I had saved the email.  I'd post it, but, really, this dick-wad has the balls to call anyone out when it comes to how that person treats woman? Let's not forget, he flirted with me while dating someone else.  Promised to go to Woodford Reserve with me and then when he felt bad because that was definitely cheating not just flirting, he acted like a two year old and simply refused to answer emails on the subject.

Me: So when do you want to go?

Him: Silence

Me: Do you still want to go?

Him: Crickets

Never told me why.  Just sat silent and deleted things he could not deal with.  How fucking mature, you little Prick!  I finally had to ask him point blank: Are you seeing someone (due to something I saw on facebook) bec. he NEVER mentioned his weird dog defiler to me, not even once.  When he finally owned up to it, he never addressed his feelings for me but said "I can only have one girlfriend at a time," then proceeded to flirt with me (a mentally ill person) for the next two years and again, never mention her.   Bastard!  Clean your own fucking doorstep.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Cave: I'm Worth More

Sometimes I forget how far I've come.  Back in January of 2012, I planned to end my life.  I was in the midst of a severe depressive episode and the jackass I fell for found that teasing me, flirting with me (telling me he'd stay out of my dreams), and then slamming me was somehow okay because he was former prof of mine.  It would take me two years of therapy to realize he had major issues which exacerbated my illness...and made him a total prick. My brother and friends held my hand throughout that period and encouraged me to pick a mantra, find a hobby, do anything on earth except end things...and "please," they begged "ditch the loser."  So one night I came across Mumford and Sons "The Cave" and that song became my new mantra.  I would turn the music up as loud as it would go and sob as I sang along: "I will hold on hope."  But I had no hope at least not then.  I could not imagine a world in which I didn't hurt all the time.  However, with the help of friends, God, and Meds, slowly I began to improve, and as I did, I could no longer listen to the song that once been such a comfort to me.  It hurt.  Brought up memories of that excruciating pain.

Fast forward to now, He is out of my life.  I haven't spoken to him in going on a year now.  I am job hunting and relatively stable.  And I can listen to "The Cave" once more.  This time a new set of lyrics from the song speaks to me about him: "So sing make your sirens call.  And sing all you want.  I will not hear what you have to say. Because I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as its meant to be."  Some people are full of shit and they will drag you down with them because they don't have the balls to let go of you or treat you right.  Never let someone do that to you.  You're worth more.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Good DAY, Sir!

Here's the thing, Guys: I am probably never going to forgive the Asshole who treated me like dog-shit.  Maybe if he had apologized, I could have seen him as something more than Immature, Sadistic, Little Ass Wipe.  But he didn't (and won't) so I don't.  And if you read this you Little Fucker these are all dedicated to You!

1.) Elliot Smith: Ballad of Nothing

Favorite Line:  "A tired man with only hours to go just waiting to be taken away"

2.) Eamon: Fuck It! (I don't want you back!) 

Favorite Line: "Fuck what I said it don't mean shit now.  Fuck all those presents you might as well throw em' out."  And for the record, he is a kinda of hoe.

3.) Bob Dylan: Don't Think Twice, Its Alright

Favorite Line: “I ain’t saying you treated me unkind, you could have done better but I don’t mind. You just kinda wasted my precious time.”

4.) Cee-Lo Green: Fuck You

Favorite Line: I think this one is self explanatory: FUCK YOU! "I pity the fool who falls in love with you"

Things That Will Destroy Me

"I desire the things that will destroy me in the end." ~Sylvia Plath  For the past week and half, I've struggled with feeling empty and tired.   I want to feel good again.   To fly high.  To Soar.  The sick part is, while I don't miss being sick, I miss a relationship that aggravated my illness.  That little high I'd get when I found his name bolded in my inbox.  The way nothing else seemed to matter.  For a few moments, my cares fell away.  Not that he ever said anything meaningful.  That would taken balls.  But there was something about the staccato beat of my heart as I clicked on the message that I miss.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I know why I miss it.  Its called avoidance coping.  Let's fixate on something harmful that I know my way around rather than dealing with the painful realities of now. You see, I'm under extreme stress to find a job and fast.  I've no clue where my livelihood is coming from and no net, outside of God, to fall back on.  So here I am "on the raggedy edge.  Don't push me and I won't push you."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Damn Your Eyes

Feelings App

There needs to be a FEELINGS TRACKER app. ‘Oh, these feelings are period, these feelings are non-specific anxiety based on things that haven’t happened yet, these feelings are that Sarah McLaughlin dog commercial…’

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Worn Down

My Therapist is ALWAYS right.  No, seriously.  Three months ago, she warned me: "As the pressure to find a job intensifies, you're gonna want to talk to him again."  I could not imagine it then.  Now, tonight, after a devastating job rejection (I swear it was a hit and run), I want nothing more than to talk to him.  I know its crazy and I won't do it.  Its not that resolve is weakening.  Its that there is this annoying little lie floating around my brain that says: "He'd provide comfort."  But he won't and he never did.  He hurt me time and again.  I will not return to the Evil that I know in the Face of the Unknown.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

HIMYM: Fairytales and Reality

 "If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing: Timing, but timing's a bitch." - Robin Scherbatsky

Earlier this Week, The Series Finale of How I Met Your Mother left some of their Fan Base Reeling.  Where was the Fairytale Ending, they asked?  How Could the Mother Die, some moaned?  Ted remains hung up on Robin, others cried?  Here's my answer to the Hurt, Confused, and Angry Fans: HIMYM is not nor was it ever Friends.  In other words, this Series was never about Fairytales in the ways that Friends really was.  Throughout the Show, we watched the Cast fall in love, break-up, and move on from Each Other and Guest Stars.  The Stable Factor in their Relations was Instability.  In fact, Lilly and Marshall's is the only Stable Relationship in the Series, and even They Break Up, though not for long.  In contrast, Robin, Ted, and Barney bounce from Relationship to Relationship trying to Find Something that Works.  And at times they DO, but not everything lasts the way Lilly and Marshall's idealistic marriage does.  Lilly and Marshall are the Ideal, not often Reality and that's Point, HIMYM is about the realities of Single Adult Life.  Things Rarely Turn out as Neatly as Planned and, furthermore, most Relationships come down to one Simple Word: Timing.  Ted and Robins Timing was Off.  Ted and the Mothers was not.  Robin and Barney were on and off again, but not something that could last forever.  Robin, despite what the Fans wanted, could not CHANGE Barney.  Only Barney could change Barney.  And this is where some Fans become Upset.  Shouldn't Ted love the Mother more than Robin?  Shouldn't Robin and Barney have lasted?  Well, the latter didn't and who knows about the former? (That's for the viewers to decide.)  What we do know is that Ted never let go of Robin.  Now, is this a good choice or a bad one?  Again, you decide. 

In my opinion, as a character Ted is never upheld as the "healthy example" to follow.  Teds obsessiveness, idealism, and inability to let go costs Him time and again.  This not Friends.  There is No Ross and Rachel or Monica and Chandler.  Holding on too long has consequences..perhaps it cost Ted something with the Mother (he waits six years to marry her).  We don't know.  But what do know is that there are some lesson to be learned from the Series.  1.) Timing matters.  Now, you think I'm referring to something I vowed never to bring up again, don't you?  Well, you're wrong.  You know why?  See Lesson Two.  2.) We Ask Forgiveness.  Throughout their Nine Season Run, we saw Ted, Lilly, Marshall, and Robin break each other's hearts, not just as lovers, but as friends.  Why doesn't the group break up completely?  They always make amends.  I'm sorry is ever present in the series.  People fuck up, but remorse goes a long to mending bridges.  That never happened for me.  I never got the "I'm sorry" that could have let me call Timing on the whole Situation.  Lastly, I think we Learn to Let Go.  People wanted a Storybook ending for Ted and the Mother, but Ted couldn't Let Go of Robin the way He needed maybe the lesson for us in real life is to Let Go of the Past, Accept the Writers Ending, and Remember that We Make or Break Our Own Fairytales.