Monday, April 14, 2014

The Cave: I'm Worth More

Sometimes I forget how far I've come.  Back in January of 2012, I planned to end my life.  I was in the midst of a severe depressive episode and the jackass I fell for found that teasing me, flirting with me (telling me he'd stay out of my dreams), and then slamming me was somehow okay because he was former prof of mine.  It would take me two years of therapy to realize he had major issues which exacerbated my illness...and made him a total prick. My brother and friends held my hand throughout that period and encouraged me to pick a mantra, find a hobby, do anything on earth except end things...and "please," they begged "ditch the loser."  So one night I came across Mumford and Sons "The Cave" and that song became my new mantra.  I would turn the music up as loud as it would go and sob as I sang along: "I will hold on hope."  But I had no hope at least not then.  I could not imagine a world in which I didn't hurt all the time.  However, with the help of friends, God, and Meds, slowly I began to improve, and as I did, I could no longer listen to the song that once been such a comfort to me.  It hurt.  Brought up memories of that excruciating pain.

Fast forward to now, He is out of my life.  I haven't spoken to him in going on a year now.  I am job hunting and relatively stable.  And I can listen to "The Cave" once more.  This time a new set of lyrics from the song speaks to me about him: "So sing make your sirens call.  And sing all you want.  I will not hear what you have to say. Because I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as its meant to be."  Some people are full of shit and they will drag you down with them because they don't have the balls to let go of you or treat you right.  Never let someone do that to you.  You're worth more.

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